About Shiny Pants, Testicle Cleaners, Girls Peeing Standing Up and White Trash Porn. Or, How People Find Me.
So I was checking out some of the keywords people have been typing into Google when they land on my page, and it turns out I'm considered quite the go-to girl when it comes to testicle cleaners and white trash porn. Among other things:
About ADHD, Bonsai, People WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPS and Dr. Martens
I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD. My boss wrote in my performance evaluation "Yvonne is an awesome therapist, the best EVER! Unfortunately, she sucks at time managment, organizational skills and focus. She is impulsive and often blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, such as the time at the all-staff picnic, when she asked the CEO if, trapped on a desert island, he would rather eat his own foot or eat the maggot covered foot of the days-old dead pilot. After the CEO finished vomiting his rice pudding into the lap of the CFO, Ms. Wojtalik was placed on administrative leave."
My boss suggested I be evaluated for ADHD, saying she felt it might protect my job were such an unfortunate incident to reoccur. I refused such a silly notion, of course, and instead started writing a play that was sure to be a Broadway hit. I entitled it "Misunderstood". It chronicled the life of a young Southern woman living in a New York penthouse, starting with her lowly beginnings in the trailer courts of Georgia, through her meteoric rise as an international pop star/mental health therapist who DID NOT have ADHD, and her subsequent foray into fashion and design.
My boss then put her suggestion in writing. I refused again, stating that I was entirely too busy learning the art of bonsai tree care (and it IS an art) to agree to such an arduous undertaking at this time. The next time she put it in writing IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS WITH NUMEROUS EXCLAMATION POINTS AFTER IT!!!!!!!!
Still, I resisted. Something about people who insist in writing in all caps just makes me want to oppose them. I googled "personality types of people who type in all caps" and found that people who use this unfriendly means of communication generally have poor writing skills, low self-esteem and are bullies who never believed in Santa or The Tooth Fairy.
HA! I was on to her now. I was being tricked into an "ADHD evaluation" by an unfriendly bully, and one with poor writing skills to boot! I decided she was just jealous of my outgoing nature and soon-to-be Broadway hit. Plus the fact that I was still visited every year by Santa.
So she called me into her office one day. It went a little something like this:
Boss: "Five months ago I told you to get an ADHD evaluation. So far you've started writing a play, taken to trimming all the company hedges in the shape of clouds, begun a lunchtime jazz/folk/rap ensemble and IT tells me your computer shows quite a few google queries regarding Santa, bullies, hats and The Tooth Fairy. Can you explain this?"
Me: "Are those Dr. Martens?"
Boss (looks down at her shoes): "Uh...what...I mean, yes they are, but...."
Me: "I thought so. I could tell by the yellow stitching. Are they comfortable?"
Boss: "Well, yes, but what does this have to do with..."
Me: "Nothing. I just wondered, is all. Oh!!! I get it!!! Not hats, caps!"
Boss (thoroughly confused): "What???"
Me: "You said my google queries asked about hats and that confused me because I'm not really a hat person. I mean, I like hats on other people but for some reason whenever I put one on myself I feel like I'm 'trying too hard'. Do you know what I mean?"
Boss: "I don't know what..."
Me: "Come on, keep up! You said hats, I was googling caps. Now do you get it?" Good grief, this woman was sloooow.
Boss: "But I don't see the difference between hats and...."
Me: "Caps!!! (here I pulled out a sheet of paper to demonstrate):
I pushed the paper over to her side of the table, where she studied it. That's when I realized I had written "duhhhh" instead of just thinking it. Crap, time to think fast. Using my droid under the table, I quickly googled "other meanings for the word duh" and came up with a list of Gaelic quotes. I decided to go for it.
Boss: "I see that you wrote 'duh' at the end of your example. Please explain."
Me: "Hehe. Well, you see, what I meant to write was, 'Thalla a chluiche le do deideagan', which is pronounced, 'hallah ah clih-heh leh duh daid-aginn'. See?"
Boss (frostily): "No. No I don't. What does that even mean?"
Me: "It means 'go play with your toys'."
Boss: "Meaning.....?"
Me: "Um...meaning....that you got that rockin' new desk set for your five year company anniversary, silly! Everybody knows how much you love desk sets! Have you tried out the matching pen and mechanical pencil set yet?"
Boss: "No, but I can't wait! I have to say, I've been holding myself back from firing that LaCrosse up but I want to save it for....Hey! We were talking about you getting evaluated for ADHD! How did we get on the subject of desk sets?"
I didn't hear her of course, because I was momentarily distracted by two birds having sex.
And that is how I ended up being evaluated and diagnosed with a raging case of ADHD.
My boss suggested I be evaluated for ADHD, saying she felt it might protect my job were such an unfortunate incident to reoccur. I refused such a silly notion, of course, and instead started writing a play that was sure to be a Broadway hit. I entitled it "Misunderstood". It chronicled the life of a young Southern woman living in a New York penthouse, starting with her lowly beginnings in the trailer courts of Georgia, through her meteoric rise as an international pop star/mental health therapist who DID NOT have ADHD, and her subsequent foray into fashion and design.
My boss then put her suggestion in writing. I refused again, stating that I was entirely too busy learning the art of bonsai tree care (and it IS an art) to agree to such an arduous undertaking at this time. The next time she put it in writing IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS WITH NUMEROUS EXCLAMATION POINTS AFTER IT!!!!!!!!
Still, I resisted. Something about people who insist in writing in all caps just makes me want to oppose them. I googled "personality types of people who type in all caps" and found that people who use this unfriendly means of communication generally have poor writing skills, low self-esteem and are bullies who never believed in Santa or The Tooth Fairy.
HA! I was on to her now. I was being tricked into an "ADHD evaluation" by an unfriendly bully, and one with poor writing skills to boot! I decided she was just jealous of my outgoing nature and soon-to-be Broadway hit. Plus the fact that I was still visited every year by Santa.
So she called me into her office one day. It went a little something like this:
Boss: "Five months ago I told you to get an ADHD evaluation. So far you've started writing a play, taken to trimming all the company hedges in the shape of clouds, begun a lunchtime jazz/folk/rap ensemble and IT tells me your computer shows quite a few google queries regarding Santa, bullies, hats and The Tooth Fairy. Can you explain this?"
Me: "Are those Dr. Martens?"
Boss (looks down at her shoes): "Uh...what...I mean, yes they are, but...."
Me: "I thought so. I could tell by the yellow stitching. Are they comfortable?"
Boss: "Well, yes, but what does this have to do with..."
Me: "Nothing. I just wondered, is all. Oh!!! I get it!!! Not hats, caps!"
Boss (thoroughly confused): "What???"
Me: "You said my google queries asked about hats and that confused me because I'm not really a hat person. I mean, I like hats on other people but for some reason whenever I put one on myself I feel like I'm 'trying too hard'. Do you know what I mean?"
Boss: "I don't know what..."
Me: "Come on, keep up! You said hats, I was googling caps. Now do you get it?" Good grief, this woman was sloooow.
Boss: "But I don't see the difference between hats and...."
Me: "Caps!!! (here I pulled out a sheet of paper to demonstrate):
I pushed the paper over to her side of the table, where she studied it. That's when I realized I had written "duhhhh" instead of just thinking it. Crap, time to think fast. Using my droid under the table, I quickly googled "other meanings for the word duh" and came up with a list of Gaelic quotes. I decided to go for it.
Boss: "I see that you wrote 'duh' at the end of your example. Please explain."
Me: "Hehe. Well, you see, what I meant to write was, 'Thalla a chluiche le do deideagan', which is pronounced, 'hallah ah clih-heh leh duh daid-aginn'. See?"
Boss (frostily): "No. No I don't. What does that even mean?"
Me: "It means 'go play with your toys'."
Boss: "Meaning.....?"
Me: "Um...meaning....that you got that rockin' new desk set for your five year company anniversary, silly! Everybody knows how much you love desk sets! Have you tried out the matching pen and mechanical pencil set yet?"
Boss: "No, but I can't wait! I have to say, I've been holding myself back from firing that LaCrosse up but I want to save it for....Hey! We were talking about you getting evaluated for ADHD! How did we get on the subject of desk sets?"
I didn't hear her of course, because I was momentarily distracted by two birds having sex.
And that is how I ended up being evaluated and diagnosed with a raging case of ADHD.
I Have Way Too Much Sh*t To Do
I have way too much shit to do. So that's why I'm posting instead. When I'm sitting in the warm electric glow of my computer screen, I don't see the stuff I have to do, ergo, it does not exist.
Sometimes, like tonight, I'll park my car in the driveway and just sit in it playing blackjack on my cell phone. Because once I turn off my car, it starts to get cold and then I have to get out. I trudge up the stairs, sneak past the mailbox where the bills live, and go inside where all the shit to do is waiting for me to do something about it.
Like my Christmas tree, which I put up two days ago. It has two ornaments on it. It wants more, plus lights. I can't say that I blame it.
Or my clean laundry:
Or my dirty laundry:
My bills:
My day job:
Even my kids:
So now I have to go. I have to fold, hang, wash, decorate, pay, finish and feed. Then I have to do it again tomorrow. This is what I want to do instead:
Sometimes, like tonight, I'll park my car in the driveway and just sit in it playing blackjack on my cell phone. Because once I turn off my car, it starts to get cold and then I have to get out. I trudge up the stairs, sneak past the mailbox where the bills live, and go inside where all the shit to do is waiting for me to do something about it.
Like my Christmas tree, which I put up two days ago. It has two ornaments on it. It wants more, plus lights. I can't say that I blame it.
Or my clean laundry:
Or my dirty laundry:
My bills:
My day job:
Even my kids:
So now I have to go. I have to fold, hang, wash, decorate, pay, finish and feed. Then I have to do it again tomorrow. This is what I want to do instead:
Who DOES This?? I Mean, Seriously. WHO???
So I was googling "Japan urine" after I wrote this, because after I wrote this, somebody wanted to know why the Japanese were so into pee.
I found out it's called Omorashi, and when I clicked on Wikipedia, I found THIS:
I found out it's called Omorashi, and when I clicked on Wikipedia, I found THIS:
That's right. It's a personal appeal from an Asian woman. To save Wikipedia. The same site that decided it would be a good idea to put an Asian woman's picture on a page that discusses Asians obsessed with either peeing on themselves, or watching someone else pee themselves.
I think the lesson here is never, ever, under any circumstance, write a personal appeal for Wikipedia. Your picture could very well end up on a page that talks about elephant penises, or cannibalism, or mimes. Or all three.
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