Cross-Dressing Stalker Or Paleontologist? You Tell Me.

My son Zach has been exhibiting some disturbing behaviors ever since...well, ever since he could touch his nipples on purpose. He is also probably one of the smartest and most imaginative kids I've ever met. Yes, besides YOU Julia. That's him in my header photo, dressed in his Spiderman Viper costume at his sister's tumbling class. Zach wants to be a Paleontologist, but I believe it's equally possible that he may end up as a cross-dressing stalker. Let's see what the data tells us.

Cross-Dressing Stalker Tendencies:
1. He has a history of wandering the house dressed in his sister's high heels, wigs, necklaces and lipgloss.

2. He regularly asks me if he's "pretty".

3. He has written of his stalkerish tendencies in school:
"I lurk in the bushes."

4. This week I purchased, at the local thrift store, a set of vintage brass finger cymbals. I got them for Zach because his sister bought a cellphone and I wanted to have something shiny and noisy to distract him from his jealousy. Two nights ago my son walked up to me wearing just his pajama bottoms. And the finger cymbals. One over each nipple. Then he said "Do I look pretty??"

5. He declined hot chocolate last weekend. His reasoning? "I can't, because I need to keep my body beautiful, just like it is now." No amount of cajoling would sway him. My 7-year-old son needs to have a beautiful body.

Paleontologist Tendencies:
1. He has been absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs for the past year. He draws pictures of them, even:


2. He loves to read books about dinosaurs. Here is one of his favorites:
Are these massive and extinct creatures of yore hunting/fleeing for their very survival? Or are they simply playing a friendly game of "Allosaurus, Allosaurus, Oviraptor"? You tell me.



3. He has a couple of dinosaur toys:


4. He loves to dig things up. When he was 3-years-old and in preschool, he found a metal spoon during outside play time. His teachers told me that everyday, when it was time to go inside, Zach would hide the spoon under a brick, behind a bush. Then he would go get it the next day. Everyone saw him hiding it, but none of his friends ever bothered it. Until the day he dug THESE up:


I made that last part up. Those are pictures of cow bones I found on ebay.

4 comments:

  1. This is hilarious!! The finger cymbals on the nipples, oh my god.

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  2. Yes, and he had all of his fingers splayed out except his index finger and thumb (those were holding the finger cymbals over his nipples). When he was just learning to walk, I'd take him around our boulevard every evening. He wouldn't wear a shirt and he would walk all around the neighborhood, flicking his nipples. Seriously, this nipple thing has been going on since he was 14 months.

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  3. Yvonne, my husband and I just about died laughing at "I lurk in the bushes".
    Hahahahahaha!

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  4. I really don't think you have anything to worry abou......BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm sorry... I tried to say that with a straight face.

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