Let me start out by saying I have ADHD. I am not simply distractible, or inattentive. I. HAVE. ADHD. And it's hardcore. It affects every aspect of my life, and I pretty much feel like a loser most of the time because of it. I have terrible social skills and I am absolutely not able to be anywhere, on time, ever. I've tried. I've used numerous alarm clocks, set my phone to warn me when I had to leave for an appointment, asked friends, made lists with absolute time limits for each activity and so on. Sometimes things work out and I have a day where I'm everywhere I should be on time. Can I just tell you that what you take for granted makes me feel like the f*cking queen of the world??? I walk with my head higher, I feel competent. THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT EVERYWHERE ON TIME. I AM AN ADULT, I think proudly. Then, a day or two later, I'm back to my usual self. F*CK.
Somehow, something always comes up. Things take more time than I think they will, or should. Everyone I know teases me about it, it's become a joke. And I laugh because it's built into me that I should laugh even though I'm the butt of the joke, because God forbid I should hurt anyone else's feelings. But it's not funny. How would you feel if you had a weight problem, or terrible acne or argued a lot with your significant other or any other thing that people think should be cured by JUST A LITTLE F*CKING SELF DISCIPLINE AND SELF CONTROL?? Would you laugh if people joked about your eating disorder? Or how you just never seemed to be able to clear up your pimply face. Or your short temper. You might feel ashamed, or angry, or self-loathing or any number of things. Well, that's how I feel.
At work yesterday, I had to sign a paper saying I would be everywhere on time for three months. I could tell my boss felt bad about it, but do you know what ran through my mind when I signed that paper? I'll tell you what. I'M GOING TO FAIL. Over and over, that's all I could think. And I CAN'T fail because I'm a single mom with two kids who count on me to keep them fed, clothed and housed and an ex-husband that hasn't paid one dime in court mandated child support, EVER. That's 90 days of at least 5 appointments a day, 5 days a week. That's 300 times I have to do something perfectly, in a row. Try telling yourself that you won't get a pimple for 90 days. Or that you won't gain ONE POUND for 90 days. Or that you wouldn't argue with your spouse for 90 days. And if you do, you're one step closer to losing YOUR F*CKING JOB. Just let that simmer.
I also have to do some other stuff that's completely overwhelming, like bill a certain number of clients a week. 33 to be exact. And I drive to every appointment. But that's not including driving time. Or paperwork time. Or lunchtime. Not that I ever take a lunch. Or meetings. So I was at work until 8:30 last night, and until 10pm last Friday. Then I came home and wanted to cry but didn't. Instead I visited my friends Steamme and Tara at their awesome blogs. Because Tara seems to be going through some shit too, so I can really relate to her. And seriously, Steamme and The Bloggess make me laugh and forget. Then I put my dinner in the fridge because I had no appetite and went to bed. Then I woke up at 5:30 tonight, an entire evening and day shot, but because it's also built into me to find the silver lining I laid there and thought, well, you know you've gained 20 lbs in the past month and you probably lost some weight since I didn't eat all day and just think of the money you saved by not turning the heat up all day. Then my kids came home from their dad's and know what? I'm going to have my salad and a glass of wine and cuddle with my kids because that's what I need to feel better now. That, and writing this.
Maybe I'll be funny next time. Or maybe not. But I will always be real.