Let's see here, from what I gather I need to go to google trends and find out what the hottest topics are right now! Then, I need to write a blog about one of these trends, and just sit back and watch the hits come in, right?
But....wait. What if I used more than ONE search term? What if I used.....NINE!!! Nine of the top search terms in the past 24 hours??? Well, I do love a challenge...
Ok, so here are the nine searches and terms I'm going to be using in my post. Don't think I'm going to just throw nine terms at you and click "publish post", because that would be lazy and lame and it would stink of desperation. No, I'm going to weave the following terms together to form a cohesive post that draws the reader in. Just watch.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
The Story
A long, long time ago in a Wizarding World far away lived a young, coltish male wizard, by the name of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 2. For the sake of brevity, we will just refer to him as Harry or Harry Potter.
Harry was not a boy, but not yet a man. It was the spring of his sixteenth year and he was looking for gonzaga, or, as we say in the Muggle World, trouble. Harry Potter had learned the term gonzaga from his very favorite professor at Hogwart's Academy one dark, stormy evening as they lounged before the large, crackling fireplace drinking brandy that recalled memories of gravel and pink hair-ribbons and girls named Nancy. Who was Harry Potter's favorite professor? In a word, Insidious Vanderbilt.
Insidious Vanderbilt had coined the term gonzaga during the summer he turned 18 and toured Europe with only a thumb, a tight bottom and a pair of shapely legs to get him from hostel A to hostel B, and he insisted that it be pronounced in italics at all times, or else. Harry Potter didn't know it at the time, but Insidious Vanderbilt had two weaknesses. A love of Corned Beef and Cabbage and Talbots, his faithful but n'er-do-well older brother. Talbots also had the family weakness for Corned Beef and Cabbage, and it would prove to be his undoing. His undoing, indeed.
Now, in the deep, dark woods of The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter lived an evil, ugly ogre-troll that the schoolchildren had cruelly nicknamed Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck adored living in his little piece of the woods and he drew a large, proprietary circle around his hut and threw rocks at any woodland creature who dared to come near his cottage. Glenn Beck was very short and warty, with lank, greasy hair and terrible acne. He also had stinky flatulence due to his disgusting habit of eating the leftover Shawarma and Falafel that the schoolchildren tossed by the wayside as they scurried to and fro. Glenn Beck had a secret love of all things Middle Eastern, and he had read the Holy Qur'an from cover to cover, several times. He had converted to Islam in his early 20's, and he never failed to unroll his prayer rug 5 times a day so that he could praise Allah.
However, Glenn Beck was leading a secret life that his 4 wives knew nothing about. He had produced a boy-child, a bastard offspring, who was the delight of his heart. He named this favored child Barack Hussein Obama, in honor of the President of The United States, whom Glenn Beck had secretly voted for in spite of the political leanings of the bastard company he worked for, Fox News. Glenn Beck hated Fox News with every fiber of his being, and he prayed to Allah for the day that Fox News would be crushed under the giant foot of the Democratic party, whose name he blessed upon waking every morning.
Glenn Beck kissed his beloved boy-child, Barack Hussein Obama, on the lips before quickly depositing him in the lap of his beloved concubine, Sally Mae. He knew Sally Mae was a whore, but he loved her just the same. Humming a quick tune, he jauntily ambled up the steps to his cottage. He sniffed the air. Was that....could it be....YES! It was Corned Beef and Cabbage! Second only to Allah and his prophet Muhammed, blessed-be-his-name, Glenn Beck loved Corned Beef and Cabbage. In fact, he loved all things that were from other cultures, such as bellydancing, hummus and fezzes:
 |
| Glenn Beck loves his Fez |
Glenn Beck followed his nose until it led him to something that made his heart fill with joy. It was the sight of 245 naked young men, dancing around a spit on which was roasting that gift of Allah, Corned Beef. The naked young men were decorated in all manner of feathers, beads and body paint, and Glenn Beck felt his loins stir in kind. Suddenly his chest tightened, for he had spotted his arch-enemy, Insidious Vanderbilt, dancing round the fire with a most beauteous young man with round spectacles and a dark thatch of hair. Who could that exquisite creature be? Glenn Beck found himself mesmerised and drawn into the circle of young flesh. He sidled up to Insidious Vanderbilt, but was stopped short by that person's familiar, an overly-large Tibetan Mastiff named Banshee.
Banshee howled at the scent of such evil in the presence of his master, and Insidious Vanderbilt swiftly turned in response. His eyes narrowed as he took in the visage of his adversary, Glenn Beck. He slowly walked over to the spot where Glenn Beck stood, taking note of the puddle of urine staining the ground where Glenn Beck stood trembling in fear.
He loudly cried, halt!
All eyes were upon Insidious Vanderbilt as he grasped Glenn Beck in his tight, manly embrace.
My brother! Assalamu Alaikum!, he joyfully cried.
Walaikum as salaam!, shouted Glenn Beck, unmindful of the hostile stares he was gathering from the Young Republican sect of the gathering.
Insidious Vanderbilt pulled young Harry Potter forward, and introduced him to Glenn Beck. Harry Potter's eyes lowered as Glenn Beck's eyes roamed over his physique.
Insh'Allah! Glenn Beck murmured.
The End.
