I could call this post "hamster sex ed" or "3 simple facts that every child should grasp by the age of 8". Or I could call it "That's right. My son thinks his hamster pees out of her butt and poops out of her tail". I'll go with that last one.

I should forewarn you. This post contains explicit photos of a hamster's ladybits.

But?

These pictures are EDUCATIONAL.
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Last night my son brought his hamster to me, and he was very upset.

MAMA!!! Mimi has a scar on her tummy!

Since Mimi gets into more trouble than I can write about, so my first thought was oh crap. What the eff has that stupid rodent done NOW?

Z brought her upstairs, tears in his eyes.

Crap, she's dying, I thought, because Mimi has health issues. For example, I'm pretty sure she had a stroke last month.

 Ok, might as well get this over with. So I flipped her over to take a look. Here is what I saw:

 You could keep your legs together, you know.

 Well, except for the black bar across her eyes. I got that idea from the Glamour Fashion Do's or Don'ts page. This way, her anonimity is protected.

See? Here is a picture of a Glamour Fashion Don't:

She looks familiar but I don't know who she is. Cuz of the black bar.

This way, if any of you ever meet Mimi, there won't be any of those awkward I totally saw your hamster ladybits on the internet and WOW is this uncomfortable or what? silences.

You're welcome.

So anyway, it turns out that this is what he thought was a scar:

Seriously, you guys? Seriously.

After I gained control of my facial muscles and voice, I explained to Z that what he was pointing to was actually Mimi's vagina. Following is the conversation we had:

Me: Z, that's Mimi's private parts. That's what she pees out of, she doesn't have a scar.

Z: No it's not!

several minutes of arguing ensue, and then:

Me: Well, where do YOU think she pees out of, then?

Z: She pees out of HERE! And he points to this:

Tonight I'm going to eat your face while you sleep.

 Me: *sigh*.....Z, that's her butt, where she poops out of.

Z: *eyes widened in disbelief/anger at being tricked* No it's NOT! That's NOT where her poop comes out of! That's where she pees!!!

We argued this fine point for a minute or more, while Mimi patiently allowed herself to be used for educational purposes. She really is a good hamster.

Finally....

Me: Fine! So where do YOU think she poops out of?

Z: *points* THERE!

Ok. There is some serious Tomf*ckery going on here.

That's right. He was pointing at her tail.

Me: WTF???

Z: What does wtf mean?

Me: Nevermind. Just know that what you are describing is physically impossible. Hamsters DO NOT poop out of their tails!

more arguing.......finally:

Z: Fine! So why do YOU think she has a tail?

Me: Her tail is so she can balance! For example, I have terrible balance. I'm always tripping or falling down, but if I had a tail that wouldn't happen.

*Update - today I asked Z where Mimi pooped out of and he looked at me all crazy and shit. Finally he said, oh yeah! She poops out of her butt.

Me: *???!!!??* But I thought you said she poops out of her tail. What changed your mind?

Z: Well, DUH. Because you said so.

*eye twitch*