People are always saying stuff like, "Oh, having kids will change your life! You will grow as a person! Et cetera. This is true, but not always in the good way. So before you decide to have kids, read this. Discuss. Ponder. And kiss any plans you have to be in charge of your life goodbye. For at least 18 years, but it will feel like longer. Trust me. I'm the woman who tried to return her newborn to the hospital, remember?
1. "Moms have eyes in the back of their heads!" - You suddenly hear a scuffle break out behind you, accompanied by the sound breaking glass. Quick! What do you do? Turn around to address the issue? No way, too expected. Instead, find any shiny/reflective surface nearby and use it to your advantage. Window, coffee pot, computer screen or crystal vase, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that your children actually believe you have eyes in the back of your head. Respect, yo.
2. "You will step in front of a speeding train/bus/car to save your child's life!" - True. But under no circumstances will you let them have more than three (3) of your Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. You will feel strongly about this. But you know what? They will always find your super secret hiding spots and eat them anyway. Every. F*cking. Year. Seriously. In the past 2 years I haven't had a Thin Mint, even though I've purchased 8 boxes.
3. "Having children will change your body, but it's so worth it!" - Bullshit. I mean, yeah, kids are great and all but here is a list of things that will happen to your body as a result. Most of them are irreversible:
a. Your ass, thighs and stomach will suddenly attract fat the way plasma collection centers attract crackheads.
b. You know your bladder? What do you mean you've never thought of it before? After kids, it will forever be at the forefront of your mind. This is because you will lose control of it every time you laugh, sneeze, yell, jump, cry hard or cough. Forever. Get used to it.
c. Your boobs will never fully belong to you, ever. Even if you don't nurse your baby, your children will still grab them whenever they hug you, or when they feel anxious. Because kids are attracted to soft things, like Build-a-Bear animals, lovey blankets and tits. So get used to being felt up until your child turns 5. 7 for boys.
4. "Children are so honest!" - Do you like to swear? Is your mother-in-law a bitch? Then guess what. One day your kid will walk up to your MIL and say something like, "Last night Mommy told Daddy that you're a f*cking bitch! Can I have a cookie?"
5. "I can't remember what my life was like before kids!" - Remember that awesome honeymoon you had in Punta Cana? The lazy mornings having sex, eating a leisurely breakfast and drinking Pina Colada's on the beach? Then having more sex before getting seriously drunk at the five-star restaurant and tumbling into bed to have, yes, more sex? Well, be sure to videotape every precious moment, because that's as close as you're going to get to those wild, carefree days of yore. Now you will be awoken at the butt crack of dawn by a wailing infant, demanding to be fed, changed, held and burped. At the same time. Sex? Bah! That's what led to this pernicious developement in the first place! Sex = BAD!
6. "You will discover a strength you never knew you had!" - Do you embarass easily? Tough shit. See my header? That's my son, wearing his Spiderman Viper costume to his sister's gymnastics class one Saturday morning. What you can't see are the cowboy boots he's also wearing, with the costume pants tucked into them. So everyone could see the boots, of course. He looked like a young, gay schizophrenic. Which is just fine.
7. "I want my kids to share every detail of their precious lives with me!" - No. No you don't. At first, you think you do. On the drive home from work, you will ask your special little girl/guy what s/he had for lunch at daycare, who s/he played with and you may even ask what was the best/worst thing that happened that day.
Then your son turns 8. And all he wants to talk about is dinosaurs. Or the Magic Treehouse book he is currently reading. And how Sharktopus could totally beat up 5 Spinosauruses, at the same time. Then, once you arrive at home, he constructs a diorama to further drive his point home. It is at this point that you begin to drink wine. Regularly.
And the girl? She turns 12. And...DRAMA!!! Kirsten totally told Steph and Jaspre to not sit with me at lunch, when everyone knows that Jaspre and I are wearing best friend necklaces!!! O. M. G.
Yeah, so deal, Mom. By the next day, your daughter and Jaspre are besties again, because that Kirsten was just trying to break us up!!! This will happen at least twice a week, every week. For 6-7 years. Get used to it. Buy wine in bulk. I highly recommend Yellow Tail Chardonnay. It has a crisp, tart flavor with a refreshing aftertaste reminiscent of oak and I don't give a f*ck.
8. So, yeah. If/when you have a child, you will know what it feels like to put your heart out there, for anyone to stomp on it. You will share every hurt that your child experiences. You will decide that tuition to that out-of-district but oh-so-wonderful school is more important than a vacation this year. You will wake up in the middle of the night, for however many nights your child needs you too. To feed, burp, change, comfort and soothe, leave money from the tooth fairy and simply to watch your amazing child as s/he sleeps.
Because this is your child, and this is what matters.