Dear Suzanne, about that child in your uterus? There are 10 things you ought to know first ....Part I *UPDATED*

June 18, 1967

Dear Suzanne,

We here in Heaven are very happy to hear about your "blessed event", which is scheduled to occur approximately 5 7 weeks from now. Oh, are you wondering why we put that term in quotations? Because we have a sense of humor, and we know what you are in for, lol.

So, we had a meeting last night and voted 9,173,402,818,183,109, 693,491,536 to 2 that we should forewarn you regarding the demon-spawn child currently residing in your uterus. But first, we have some questions.

1. Are you currently, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party? Hello? 1967?

2. Did you really mean for this to happen? Because if not, there's this thing called birth control.

3. Do you have a supportive network of family, friends and neighbors that will be able to keep you from smothering your child slipping into the "post-partum blues"?

No, seriously. There will be days when you want to toss her out of the car window leave her on the doorstep of a kindly old couple. So, in the interest of preserving both your sanity, and the life of your future child, we have decided to give you a hint of what to expect.

1. She will poop, frequently. She will eat, a lot. She will have terrible gas, but it's ok. Your cousin Judy will know how to burp her just right.

2.She will keep you awake at all hours of the night. You will still be expected to function as a normal human being during daylight hours. Deal.

3. She will have an imaginary friend at the age of 3. It's name will be "Alligator". This is because she doesn't have friends/siblings and therefore does not know any appropriate names such as "Bill", "Mike", "Nancy" or "Cindy". 

4. When she is 5, she will hide your birth control pills, in a futile effort to gain control over your reproductive cycle. Be ready.

6. She will be a highly anxious child. Her fears will include: going blind, killer bees, going retarded, dying in a burning skyscraper and being killed by cars with sharp parts in a horrifying event termed a "Death Race".

7. She will break easily. And frequently. By the time she is 11, she will have broken her coccyx, right middle finger, left wrist and right big toe. When she is 14 she will sustain a concussion in French class and by the time she is 44, she will have broken 3 more ribs and 4 more toes. But after college, she's not your problem anymore.

8. One night, 3 days before Christmas, you will return home from doing the laundry to find that she has been taught by her 4th grade teacher how to make cutout snowflakes. You know this because she has used every bit of ribbon, tape, wrapping paper and tinfoil to make cutout snowflakes, which she hangs from the ceiling of the trailer. You are actually very cool about this incident, and only suggest making some of the ribbon strings shorter so Dad doesn't hit his head on that large snowflake next to the deep freezer in the living room.

9. You will ask your husband if the time is ever right to have a second child. He will say no. Your daughter will ask you when she is getting a brother or sister and you say never. She will continue to beg for a sibling until the very morning of your "bellybutton surgery" when she is 11 (which she will attempt to talk you out of, by the way).  Then she will become angry, and pee in the kitchen sink in retaliation.

10. Once she realizes her hopes for a sibling have been permanently dashed, she will then turn her admittedly obsessive focus to your living quarters.

She will constantly harangue you with questions/statements such as: "When are we moving?", "Kristine's parents only lived here two years before they bought a house. I think you're only allowed to live in a trailer court for 12 years, then they kick you out", "You know who never has to pay lot rent? People who have houses, that's who", and "When are we going to move into a house that doesn't have wheels?"plus, "Kristine said I could move in with her! Can I?"

She will decide to pray to the Baby Jesus for a house made of wood or bricks, and she will leave conspicuous notes around the trailer with such phrases as, "Kristine got a house today. LUCKY." "Dear Diary, what is 'trailer trash'?" and "I wonder if I would like myself better if I lived in a house with a shape other than a rectangle?"

To put it simply, your child will grow up to be a woman who is able to find humor in every situation, will always wish she had a sibling, has a flair for the dramatic and will test every fiber of your being.

6 weeks, 5 days, 14 hours, 52 minutes, 46 seconds and counting......       
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Update: My mom was really upset by this post, because when I mentioned birth control, she thought I was saying I wished I hadn't been born. AU CONTRAIRE, MA MERE! If I hadn't been born I would not have had all of the experiences that make me who I am. I wouldn't have experienced love, graduate school or the Muppets. Not to mention the amazing highs and terrifying lows of marriage, parenthood, divorce, love, loss and being a part (and not) of the American workforce.

You did a great job, Mom. How do I know? Because I turned out AWESOMELY, of course.