BECAUSE I'M PSYCHIC, THAT'S HOW!
I haven't posted in a while, mainly due to being busy looking for a job and dealing with my ever-increasing anxiety over not having found one yet.
But things are about to change, big time. Because I'm going to win the lottery tonight!
Here is an absolutely convincing list of reasons that I
1. Last weekend I passed a billboard that said the powerball lottery was up to $250 million dollars. That's huge for a couple of reasons. First off, that's a ton of money, which I need. Secondly, what are the chances that I would pass a billboard reminding me to play the lottery on Wednesday? I don't get out much, so I'll tell you right now that the chances were pretty slim.
2. Between Sunday and today I totally forgot it was powerball Wednesday!!! This means I have pure motives and would do a lot of good with the money I win. I very rarely play the lottery. In fact, I usually need someone at the liquor store to tell me how to fill out my forms. That's how pure I am, people.
3. Not only did I forget to buy a lottery ticket all day, but I completely forgot it was Wednesday as well. This is probably due to a combination of my unemployedness and the fumes from the paint remover I've been using to remove the 8 layers of paint from my kitchen doorways. See? Pureness of thought. And? I'm industrious.
4. In fact, I would have totally forgotten to buy a ticket if my son hadn't asked me to buy him a lottery ticket when we were checking out at the liquor store today. He seriously did. And that's what reminded me it's powerball Wednesday!!!
5. I was really sick in bed all day Saturday while TLC was running a 6 hour marathon of "How Winning The Lottery Changed My Life." As I dozed on and off, the fabulous stories became interwoven with my feverish dreams. What are the odds that TLC would run a lottery marathon during the week I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO WIN THE LOTTERY???
I know, right?
6. Finally, my son asked if I would buy him a cobra with my lottery winnings, and of course I told him no, cobras are poisonous. Then he asked if I would buy him a fish if I won and I said, of course I will! Based on the quickness of my response, he must have realized he asked for too little, because he immediately said, Can I have TWO fishes? When I said yes, he asked for an octopus.
7. I was going to buy 5 tickets, but at the last minute I decided to buy 6! Because that's what lottery winners usually do. They suddenly decide to "buy one more", and that's just what I did!!!
8. OH!!! My daughter just told me that we should win the lottery because God has a lot of making up to do to us. She also said we should get $1 million for each crappy thing that has happened to us. Here is her list (in the order in which she found out about each thing):
A. Mommy and Daddy got a divorce.
B. Daddy is an alcoholic (missed visits, missed my birthday cuz he was in rehab, missed my concerts cuz he relapsed, broke promises to us, lied to us.)
C. Daddy died.
D. My aunt Debbie is a bitch who unfriended me and blocked me on facebook and took all of Daddy's stuff out of his apartment the day after his funeral.
E. Mema won't have anything to do with us.
F. Mommy lost her job.
G. Had to switch schools because of no money.
H. HATE my new school.
I. My brother probably has autism (FYI: So does Dan Ackroyd!)
J. Daddy's unveiling is coming up and nobody has even told us when it is and I'm scared we're going to miss it. AND, we have no say about what his tombstone says. Will Mema leave off that he was our father?
So, according to my daughter, God owes us $10 million. At least.