Knitting is my porn. And? I got a(NOTHER) award! Twice!

I got an award from the AMAZINGLY funny MommyRotten AND from Selena at Because Motherhood Sucks. Sure, they each gave me the same award, but that just means I rock twice as hard.

Right?

Of course it does.

You want to know what my award is called, don't you?

Well, here it is:
That's right. I'm very flexible, too.

I'm supposed to share 10 things about myself, link back to the friends who gave me this award, and pass it on to 10 more bloggers.

That's a lot of things to do, but I think I'm up to the challenge. Here goes.
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Merriam-Webster claims that porn has something to do with sex, but I disagree. My definition of porn is, "Something that elicits an excited reaction. Also, something that might get me pointed out, or hurt my back."

Wait, so maybe knitting isn't like porn, but it really made sense at 4:30 this morning. Still, there are many things I find myself inexplicably drawn to, more than a dacryphiliac loves "Terms of Endearment." Here are my 10 things, in no order whatsoever:

1. Knitting - I have only learned the knit stitch, and I really suck at it. But that didn't stop me from buying 8 sizes of knitting needles, 5 bundles of yarn, 4 sizes of crochet hooks, 3 books of knitting patterns and terms (with pictures), a knitting bag to carry my stash supplies in, and an instructional DVD, which I have yet to watch. I may possibly be in love with the idea of knitting, more than the actuality.

Pornography tenet #1 - You're never as good at it as you imagine you will be.

2. Cookbooks - Ok, I know where this one comes from. I had an eating disorder many years ago, that arose from what seemed to be one reason, but the actual reason was that my life was out of control and not eating was my way of regaining control. Or so my starving brain rationalized. So instead of eating, I exercised maniacally, made sure to ingest 500 calories or less per day, and on the weekends I made 98% or less fat-free breakfast "feasts" (which consisted of egg white omlets sprinkled with fat-free cheese and stuffed with vegetables, turkey bacon and fat-free muffins.) Afterwards, I would go on a 4 mile walk and my husband-at-the-time would sneak off to McDonald's for the #3 breakfast.

So instead of eating, I becaome obsessed with cookbooks that had lots of glossy, color pictures. Every evening, I would chose a cookbook and sneak off with it to my reading nook. There I would slowly peruse the recipes until one caught my attention. I then read off the list of ingredients that I had forbidden myself, such as cream, butter, proscuitto, chicken and puff pastry. Then I would put it away and eat a baked potato sprinkled in Molly McButter, along with ice water. Then I would work out for an hour, because I was pretty sure it was possible to gain weight by saying the word, "butter" out loud.

 #2 - There really is no acceptable substitute for butter.

3. Anything shiny - Have you noticed the name of my blog? It's not a joke, people. If it's shiny, sparkly or lights up, I'm all over that shit faster than my daughter can find and consume EVERY F*CKING BOX OF THIN MINTS IN THE FREAKING HOUSE. And just so we're clear, shiny doesn't just mean....shiny. It means eye-catching, interesting, humerous, sexy, different, bizarre or amazing.

#3 - It's fun to look at, but seriously, what would I do with all of it?

4. Brushing my teeth - This is probably another leftover from my eating disordered days. I absolutely hate the taste of food in my mouth. I also hate the taste of nothingness, grossness, and anything unidentified in my mouth. So my ritual is as follows: I brush twice in a row in the morning, once after my morning coffee, once before lunch (if I remember to eat lunch), once after lunch, once after I get home from work, once before dinner, once after dinner and once before bed.

My therapist has determined that I "may be OCD." Pfft. Whatever. I haven't had a cavity in 15 years.

#4 - Do I have to keep listing tenets? I mean, this IS my post.

5. I dig emotionally unavailable men. There. I said it. If you're married, gay, or anything in between, I'M YOUR GIRL! Not that I've ever gone after a married man, because I wouldn't. But there's something attractive about an emotionally unavailable man. For an entire year, I had a huge crush on a super hot middle-aged male model I saw in a hearing-aid ad, because who's more emotionally unavailable than a picture? Nobody, that's who. I hung "Derek's" picture over my work at desk and we were very happy together, until my kids started asking me nosy questions about him. I blame my parents. This is probably what kept my marriage together for so long. He was a self-centered ass-hat and I was convinced it was my duty to fix him.

But I'm totally better now. Seriously, just ask my therapist. I'd give you her phone number but she's unlisted, dammit!

#5  - If it's available to just anyone, I'm not interested.

6 - I have an extremely vivid imagination. Many's the time I've lain in bed, fantasizing that I'm the most awesome girl I know. The most popular, bad-ass, wisest, beautiful and wittiest woman around. Sometimes I imagine I'm a lot like Neo from The Matrix. I'm The One. Seriously, in my mind, I'M AMAZING. Then I do something like trip over an air pocket, or catch my shirt on fire while I'm wearing it and I remember, oh yeah. NOT IN REAL LIFE.

#6 - Most of the time, life inside my head is better than real life.

#7. -Um, let's see. Today my asshat kid decided it would be a good idea to paint the front of our house with nail polish, along with painting the top of our mailbox. So in addition to making her clean it up, I'm googling, "How do I get nailpolish off the side of my house without removing the paint as well. Because my kid is an asshole."

#8. About an hour after my daughter got in HUGE trouble for painting the side of my house with green nail polish, I heard my son let out a scream in the living room. When I came out, I found this:
SHIT!

He was riding his floor-scooter in circles (one of his fave things to do) and accidentally knocked over a gallon of paint. Why was the paint in the middle of the floor, you ask? Because he thought it looked better there than it did in the corner of the living room. He felt terrible, and quickly brought me a sopping wet handful of paper towels. Because water and latex paint? WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!

#9. Earlier this morning, The Boy decided he was going to go bike riding with his best friend. But first he needed to get dressed. Of course he chose this ensemble:
I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!!!

He insists on tucking his pants into his cowboy boots (which he's done for the past 5 years), and I think it really adds to the whole vibe. That's right. On my boulevard, we're known as that family.

#10. Holy crap, you mean I'm almost finished??!!! AWESOME!! I've been writing this post for 7 days, in between cleaning paint off of my floors/house and of course hacking my daughter's facebook account and posting videos of Justin Beiber, along with posts complaining about the terrible gas she had today, after eating the black bean quesadillas I made for lunch. So I guess that's #10. I'm a vindictive parent who knows no bounds.

Ok, now for the recipients of this hellish excercise in award.

Crap. I just realized that means I need to go to each blog, copy and paste and link. AND I'VE BEEN DRINKING, PEOPLE! I'm not responsible for what happens.

1. Polish Mama on the Prarie, because she was the first person to follow me on BlogHer.

2. Selena, of course, from Because Motherhood Sucks. Because she's honest enough to say what too many of us are afraid to. Haha, that's right, I gave you this award back. Because that's how bitches roll, yo.

3. The Sarcasm Goddess at For The Love of Writing. Another one of my main beeotches. She's funny, sarcastic and SHE F*CKING LOVES BACON!

4. Stephanie Smirnov at Like The Vodka because OMG HAVE YOU READ HER???!!! YOU NEED TO, SHE'S EFFIN' HILARIOUS!!!! Seriously, she married "The Russian", and every day at her house is like a Russian Funfest. I found her on The Bloggess and she's on my blogroll. Go read, you'll thank me.

5. Mommy Rotten (haha, yes, I regifted. Deal). She's amazingly witty, snarky, funny and ANGRY. OMG SHE'S SO F*CKING ANGRY!!! But it's a good kind of anger, because it produces hilarity. SO MUCH F*CKING HILARITY!!!!

6. Gia, because she never fails to make me lol. Seriously. She's that good. Go now. Read.

7. Anna at Annanonamous. She's completely random and constantly searching for amelioration. Which she first heard about in a Simpson's episode. GO. READ. NOW!

8. Becky at Just Making Convo. She writes for Adult Swim (or so she claims) and she's FREAKNG HILARIOUS!!!!

9. Sophia at Rantopolis. Do I really need to say it? AGAIN? Ok, she's funny. Witty. Hilarious. Snarky. That's pretty much the only type of person I follow.

10. Kalen at Kat O' Nine Tails. She's full of the snark. Randomness abounds.

Ok, now comes the tricky part. Do I pass the award to another 10 people? Or do I stop here? I know. I'm going to compromise by passing it on to another 5 people. I'm so awesome.

11. Jennifer at Just Jennifer. Amazing woman, awesome tweep. And? I love a girl who loves the Lord AND has no problem saying, "fuck." Because dichotomy really tweaks my buttons.

12. Jillsmo, at Yeah, Good Times. Because she's good people.

13. Elise, at Things That Are Not Bagels. Because she's FUNNY! And she loves the Lord. AND she swears. Again, the dichotomy draws me in.

14. Seriously? Two more? Ok, Shirley Xavier at Ye Old Ho, because she used to be a ho, and came out the other side. What's more mind-boggling than an ex-prostitute who was way into drugs, prostitution and VERY BAD MEN, and ends up blogging about it all. Not much, that's what.

15. Lastly, Jessica at loveheylola, because she's from my hometown, she's incredibly BRILLIANT and TALENTED, and she owns a bar. Which means I may score some free drinks out of this. Or not.

Oh, before I get too drunk forget, PLEASE click on the linky and donate for the kiddos of St. Jude's. Seriously, even a couple of bucks adds up to...well, a lot of bucks if you all follow the plan. Come on, I NEVER ask for money. Well, except for that one time, but I was willing to trade goods and services for my $5.50.

https://waystohelp.stjude.org/sjVPortal/public/displayUserPage.do?programId=901&userId=798664&eventId=309871

5 comments:

  1. Knitting: I have a big ass rubbermaid bin of yarn, needles, books, and 3 half-finished pot holders. Seriously, with 14 balls of yarn and 12 sets of needles, you know what I made? A bookmark. ONE f**king bookmark.

    And for some reason I find it COMPLETELY hilarious that you had a crush on a guy from a hearing aid ad. Do you get the AARP magazine or something?

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  2. Your asshat kids sound like my asshat nephews. If it can be broken or otherwise destroyed, it is their mission in life to do just that. And my pantry looks like a plague of locusts attacked it.

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  3. This is the third fucking time I've tried to comment and now all I've got is congratulations on your damn awards.

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  4. Omg.. As soon as I saw your boy child in his oh so very stylin' outfit I KNEW I would stalk you! I have those same pics of my boy children! And then I read the post where he came into the bathroom and started a conversation while you're on the toilet and I'm thinking.. We're fucking related!
    I came over from "Because Motherhood Sucks" and I am so stalking you now!
    Love this blog of yours!

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  5. I have no idea why these comments aren't showing up on my page, guys. But now they're the only ones's showing up, and the comments made through intense debate have disappeared. THANK YOU!!!

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