So here goes, in no particular order. Also? I'm writing them down as I go along, because winging it is kind of my thing. It's what I do best, and that's probably due to my ADHD. I have to think fast, make stuff up as I go, and deal with the fallout later. I'm not sure if that counts as a character flaw or not. I'll let you know later.
1. I am highly distractible. Often, to a debilitating degree. For example, I started this post 8 days ago, but then got distracted by middle aged black man knocking on my door at 11:36pm, offering his lawn services if he could just use my mower/rake/hoe/flashlight. When I told him I did my own lawn work, he told me he needed work and I told him the local deli was hiring if he needed a job. I also promised to give him $10 cash if he brought back an application, and told him I would help him fill it out, if he wanted. We even shook hands on it, but he hasn't come by yet.
And also, the internet.
2. I have an annoying tendency to make everything about me. I tell myself that it shows empathy, but really it probably just pisses people off.
For instance, I'll start off honestly trying to listen to you, talk about you and empathize with you, but it always comes back to me. For instance, let's say you have a really bad mole problem in your backyard. And you just found out that your husband is cheating on you. I'll start out with a truly honest attempt at putting myself in your shoes, because I like you and I'm not a heartless bitch. But before I know it, I'm telling you that I really understand your situation, because one time my ex-husband who is dead now tried to get rid of our mole problem by setting the lawn on fire and THAT was crazy, let me tell you. Hehehe.
About halfway through my story, I'll realize what I'm doing, but there's no pause or rewind button in real life, so what generally ends up happening is I'll just stop talking mid-sentence, laugh awkwardly and ask what pesticide/attorney you're using.
3. My laugh is too loud. Seriously, it's LOOUUUUUDDDD. My dead ex-husband used to say it would probably qualify as a self-defense mechanism. Part of it is because my dad was hard of hearing when I was growing up, so if I wanted to be heard I had to be loud. The other part is because I have no freaking idea how to be understated.
People who are funny in an off-hand, understated, self-deprecating sort of way, such as John Cleese, David Sedaris or my friend Amy's older brother Kelly, are my comic idols. My type of humor generally ends up screaming, Lookitt meeeee!!!! Whereas Kelly's form of humor murmurs, Really, there's nothing to see here. Just some crows. And then he'll make an hilarious comparison between tweeked up junkies riding the subway at midnight and three day old pastries from his favorite bakery in Amsterdam. And bicycles.
4. Boundaries? What boundaries? I've gotten better at this in the past few years, but there was a time when I would compliment you on your dress, then ask you where you got it and, depending upon my comfort level, then possibly ask you how much you paid for it. Because? FRIENDS HAVE NO SECRETS, amiright? Nevermind that I'd just met you at a party/bathroom at a bar/grocery store checkout line.
Just ask my 13-year-old daughter. Because for the past 2 months, I have been logging into her facebook account and posting/liking/friending as her. Because quite honesty, she does a piss-poor job of engaging in social media and she could definitely use the help. And? Her online social life has never been more active. Seriously, this child has no idea how to network, she's lucky she has me to cull the internet for humorous e-cards, witty status updates and intriguing comments on various friends' walls.