So, as most of you know, I became divorced/widowed last year. It's true, I have tried to play the "widow card" on occasion, usually when on the phone with customer service representatives. It has helped in some situations (big shout-out to Liz from T-Mobile, woohoo!), and not so much with others (let me give a GIGANTIC f*ck you, to Robert from patient accounts). But to be fair, I was divorced in January and he died in April, so there are a mere three months between divorce and widowhood, in my book.
This brings me to my point. The point of my post. Where are all the good men??!! Because I'm ready to maybe stick my toe in the dating pool. I've been through all five stages of grief several times, gone through grief counseling, put my kids through grief counseling, sent my kids to grief camp, and we even had a freaking birthday party for their dad this year! Is that weird? Maybe I should leave that off my Match.com biography?
Seriously, we're all grieved out. My daughter keeps asking about potential new dads, but not to replace Daddy. Just a dad. And my 9 year old son would really like to have permission to pee standing up, but since we're a house of all women, I haven't green lighted that particular project as of yet. Oh sure, I'll catch him sneaking one in when he thinks I'm not listening, but I can tell, because when he pees standing up, it's louder. More splashier. And me? I'd really like to have another adult in the house to have grown-up talks with, maybe someone who will appreciate my spinach-and-toasted-pine-nut-meatloaf-with-brown-gravy. Seriously. I love to cook, and make up recipes, but it's like throwing pearls before swine at my house, where Velveeta is it's own food group and fruit snacks are considered an actual fruit.
So, in the interest of meeting a cool, fun guy who has a stellar sense of humor, rapier-sharp wit, the desire to forever better himself and is willing to NOT live in the basement, I did what most of my friends have already done. I created a fake Match.com account, sat back, and waited.
What I discovered is that Match.com may not be the place for me, but if you're looking for mildy-to-moderately-pathetic, middle-to-late-aged wankers who think the height of wit is inserting the number "69" in their username, then Match.com may be just what you're looking for.
Know where a good place to meet a guy is? The Finance section at Barnes & Noble, because these guys are probably either taking a finance course in college, or have finances of their own which need managing. Of course, they could always be trying to meet a woman who has finances, so these men still bear watching. It's a jumping off point, at least.
Know where a bad place to meet guys is? In line at the grocery store tonight. Number one, because it's the 4th of the month, which means it's food stamp (link card) day. Not that food stamps are bad. I just don't want to present myself and my children as a financial burden, when it's obvious that this man has his hands full simply keeping himself stocked up on canned chili and ding-dongs. Secondly, because there's always the possiblity that a man named Dave will strike up a casual conversation with you, culminating in his disclosure that he was horrifically abused as a child by his parents.
Does anyone out there have a good dating story to tell? One that doesn't involve childhood trauma, murdered kittens or bigamy? If you do, I'd love to hear it.