Lit·er·al; /ˈlitərəl/ :Taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory. Also, if intestines were awesome, he would be full of awesome. Literally.

Two nights ago I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping online, when my son brought a bag...what do you mean, wasn't two nights ago Christmas Eve?? You did shopping online on Christmas Eve??!!

That's right, Judgy McJudgington, I did. I online shopped on Christmas Eve night. And that's how I got Assassin's Creed 3 for $39.  When it arrives later this week, I'll just tell my daughter that her brother/grandpa/best friend must have snuck it from under the tree and hidden it from her. Sure, she'll have trust issues but I saved 20 bucks!!!

That's $20USD, just so you know.

Anyway, when my 9-year-old son brought me an unopened bag of Idontknowwhat and said, Mama? What is this?, I glanced over and realized: 1. I'd forgotten the name of the stuff, and 2. I couldn't tell him oh, this? This is the stuff Mama bought to flush down the toilet, to break up the massive poops everybody in this house has recently been experiencing, along with the softball mitt sized wads of toilet paper you still insist on throwning in and flushing down the toilet.

He really wanted an answer, but I was really busy getting drunk and clicking the "add to cart" button with my last-minute shopping, so I just said, Mommy's busy sweetie, what does the bag say?


At this point, I extected a one-word, maybe two-word answer. What I got was this:

Hmm....it says New Drano Advanced Septic Treatment....Breaks down solid waste, paper, oil, grease and protein. Works safely in all tanks and pipes....Just drop and flush..three no mess pouches...1 pouch per month equals 3 months of care... Caution: harmful if swallowed: eye irritant. Read back panel carefully.....SC Johnson...A family company.

Then he looked at me and said, So what is this?

That's LITERAL, yo.