Stuff ADHD people like, part I

I haven't blogged in FOREVAH, because I couldn't think of anything funny/witty/poignant, or simply entertaining to write about. Except for that one thing that happened two weeks ago, but I'm not going to blog about that, because I know some gossipy beyotches, and I didn't feel like having my family be the topic of the monthly get-togethers. Again.

BOOYAH!

But tonight I had a flash of inspiration. You all know I'm diagnosed with a RAGING case of ADHD, but tonight I realized that not all of you may know what that means. So for your edification, I present:

SHIT THAT ADHD PEOPLE LIKE

(I couldn't put the word "shit" in my title, because I have this agreement with BlogHer that I won't put curse words in my title). Everyone on BlogHer has the same agreement. So, no, I wasn't singled out, no matter what that bitch Jillsmo has been spreading around.

1. Gadgets. More specifically, anything that promises to make our lives easier, or simply more fun, as we are easily bored and often gullible. These objects are initially sold via infomercial between 2-4am, and then end up on the shelves of Walmart in boxes marked "As Seen On TV!".

These include: Seal-A-Meal, Ginsu knives, Pro-Active, Didi-7 Stain Remover, those flashlights you have to shake to get them to work, The Slap-Chop (America's Food Chopper), Pasta Boat (Cooks, Drains, Steams & Stores!), The Touch N Brush Hands-Free Toothpaste Dispenser, the Roomba and The Perfect Tortilla Pan Set, just to name a few.

2. Things that you can put other things inside of. Stacking baskets, food storage containers, 5-foot-tall wine racks in the shape of an exotic fish, floor lamps that double as CD holders and desks with lots and lots of cubbies and drawers are a few examples. This is because we are usually a hot mess in the area of housekeeping, and anything that promises to consolidate space is AWESOME.

3. AHMAHGAHDSHINYTHINGS!!! Jewelry, glassware, mirrors, picture frames, pottery, pretty dresses, shoes, belts with Swarovski crystal belt buckles, purses, gel pens, stainless steel refrigerators, sparkly nail polish, fancy grills, ceiling fans, perfume bottles and KitchenAid stand mixers.

4. Books and magazines that promise to help us get our homes and lives in order. Once, I read a magazine called "Real Simple" and got the idea to safety pin my kids' socks together so I didn't have to bother matching them. I immediately subscribed to it, because hello??!!! Genius time saving ideas here, people! I've been getting it for 11 months now and I've never opened it. Ever. It sits on my counter for about 4 months and I end up throwing it away because another book I bought called, "How to Clean Your House Without Really Cleaning" said to throw away anything I hadn't used in the past 3 months.

5. Cell phones, video cameras, actual cameras, iPods, tablets, notebooks, Nooks, chronograph watches, Kindles, GPS devices, fancy pedometers, pens that light up when we write with them, and digital meat thermometers. Because we like buttons, yo.

6. TV shows about people who are bigger messes than we are, such as: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, 16 and Pregnant, Hoarders, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, and Cops. As long as they are an hour or less, with lots of commercial breaks. Because that's when we get on ebay and order cameras with lots of buttons, new facial creams, Shark steam mops and iPods with more space for all the music we download from iTunes.

7. Other people with ADHD. You may not even know you have ADHD, or ADHD traits. BUT! We will sniff you out like a monkey on a banana plantation.

8. Monkeys.

Why yes. I DO speak Zachinese.

Last November my 9 year old son was tentatively diagnosed with Autism by a developmental pediatrician who works for the local clinic for kiddos with developmental disabilities. The Dr. wanted to be sure, so he scheduled my son for a full Autism evaluation, which happened this past March. This all came about because I knew something was different about my son, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Perhaps it was the complete lack of social skills he displayed, evidenced by walking up to total strangers and, with eyes averted, telling them everything they never wanted to know about Spinasaurus Egypticus. Also, he sees nothing wrong with placing his hands on his knees, sticking his butt out while rotating it and shouting, follow my biscuit if you want to get lucky. Much to my father's chagrin at the most recent Fourth of July fireworks.

Or maybe it was his lack of imaginative play, most often seen during his three favorite games, "throwing magnets at shit", "tying strings to shit", and "playing with mommy's eggbeater for an hour because watching shit spin is cool."

He also loves to rock back and forth, sit at the dining room table crouched on his tiptoes while he eats, and repeat the same word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and....

He hears voices. He is incredibly anxious (even before his dad died), he still can't tie his shoes, he has more sensory integration issues than I have time to discuss.

And literal. This child is literal. If I tell him don't put a penis on your picture, he hears, "don't draw a picture, then whip your dick out, slap it on your drawing and hand it to the teacher." No. I have to say, don't DRAW a penis on your picture. Because drawing is different than putting. Yo.

And then there's his language.

Let me start of by telling you that he is very smart. But smart and language skills do not always go hand-in-hand.

He makes up words, terms and sometimes, complete phrases. He seems to lack the ability to know/use the correct terminology, so he just makes up whatever seems right to his brain, and leaves it to us, his family, to decipher what he really means.

Fortunately for all of us, his sister and I have become quite adept at speaking Zachinese. Here are a few of the terms we had to translate today:

1. Is your phone high?
Translation- Does your phone have enough battery power for me to watch 749 full-length episodes of Chowder?

2. I see a smoker!!
Translation - I see a smoldering cigarette, lying on the ground!

3. How much is July?
Translation - How many days are there in the month of July?

4. How many is Fall?
Translation - I haven't yet grasped the concept that Fall is a season, and not a month.

5. There's a 4 where my 5 used to be.
Translation - my blood pressure was 115/84 an hour ago, and now it's 104/71.

6. Will you turn on the cold hot air?
Translation - it's hot in this car, will you turn on the A/C?