Q: What if Jesus was in residential substance abuse treatment? Because I'm a motherf*cking mental health professional, that's why. Also, am I going to Hell?

01/24/13 - 8:37am- Jesus has been strip searched, and his clothing has been checked, washed and returned to him. He has been given a pair of scrubs and was placed in room #218 with Damian. He informed staff  that his name is pronounced "Hay-Zoos."

01/24/13 - 09:25pm - Damian returned from a home visit. He refuses to share a room with Jesus, but will not say why. Also, would someone please inform Damian that his nanny hung herself earlier today? Thx.

01/25/13 - 3:21pm -Jesus was caught smoking in his bathroom. He has lost pizza night due to this.

01/26/13 - 5:18pm - Jesus is sad and angry, because someone washed all of  his white underwear with a red shirt. He suspects Jude in room #302 had a hand in it, but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. However, please be aware of the possibility of any physical altercations on the part of Jesus' friends, particularly Peter.

02/01/13 - 4:45pm - Jesus will be serving in the dining room all week. Please be sure that he wears a hair net, due to health code requirements. Also, Jude informed staff that James is Jesus' brother, please make a concerted effort to keep them separated until senior staff decides what to do.

02/05/13 - 1:17pm - Staff noticed Jesus loitering outside the boys' bathroom while Simon was in there. He was supposed to be in group. He has received a 3 day loss of privileges.

02/11/13 - 4:04pm - During a family visit, Jesus' father had to be escorted from the premises by security, as he began arguing with Jesus' mom, claiming, "I know he's not my kid!" Also, staff reported that the entire family reeked of wine.

02/12/13 - Please be advised that Jesus' girlfriend Mary is NOT allowed on the premises, as he has an order of protection against her.

02/19/13 -  9:05pm - Jude informed staff that Jesus, Andrew, and James went on run earlier tonight. Staff questioned all residents regarding this incident, however Thomas stated he didn't believe it. A police report has been filed and Jude was given 1 extra hour of x-box as a reward for holding Jesus accountable.

02/23/13 - 5:53am - The Watson County Sheriff's Department returned Jesus, Andrew, and James to the center. Also, Jesus brought another boy with them, and informed staff that the boy's name is "Paul." The boy reports that his name is Saul, and claims that Jesus abducted him after attempting to gouge his eyes out while he was on his way to a "rave." DCFS has been contacted.

02/25/13 - 11:12pm - Jesus is on restriction, due to making wine in his bathtub.

02/28/13 - 7:02am - Jesus went on run again last night, but returned early this morning, along with a young man he identified as "George." It should be noted that George appears under the influence of some type of hallucinogen, as he claims to be seeing "dragons." Nursing staff have sedated him until the doctor can be notified.

03/01/13 - 9:15pm - Jesus has received a 4 day LOP, and will not get candy all week, due to "doing his own thing." Staff spoke with him tonight regarding the need to "get with the program." Jesus refused to even consider the idea.

03/09/13 -  Jesus has received a 3 day LOP, due to spitting in Lamar's face, and then rubbing mud into his eyes. Lamar states he wants to press charges. Police have been notified.

0319/13 - 1:02pm - Following afternoon roll-call, Jesus was found in his room by staff, with several wounds on his hands, feet, and head. He denies that they are self-inflicted. Also, it appears that Jesus has been drinking vinegar. Staff are awaiting a call-back from the on-call psychiatrist.

03/29/13 - 6:pm - Jesus has disappeared. As in, poof, gone. Also, would someone please notify Jude's parents that he hung himself this afternoon? Thx.