So, I've really been fighting my anxiety and depression. SERIOUSLY. FIGHTING.
So many days lost to the irrational belief that I couldn't pull this off. Which only lead to countless days lost, and productivity that I can't get back.
I refuse to be held hostage by my anxiety, fears, past traumas, and depression.
As of this day on, I reclaim my life. Not just in word, but in deed.
It's so much easier for me to hang out on Facebook all day, watching, observing, jumping in when we want, and then leaping out when it gets awkward or boring. Judging. Speaking Forth. Finding a cause du jour, because HOW HARD CAN THAT BE, ACTUALLY, NOWADAYS?
Meanwhile, my own personal Rome burns.
I'm going to focus on that which I have control over. At least, I'm going to TRY.
When I worked in substance abuse treatment, we used to ( chant, "If you do what you do, you'll get what you get."
Well, that saying doesn't only go for addicts and and alcoholics. It goes for everyone.
So after my epiphany tonight, I walked upstairs, and I felt good. I'd figured out a big obstacle (my self-defeating thoughts), and I knew I needed to scan and save my son's school application.
But then, my depressed brain told me: "Chill. You'll scan and send it tomorrow. Probably. And if you don't get to it tomorrow, the next day, for sure."
Meanwhile, my anxiety was all like:
'HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS YOU GUYS WE'RE ALL GOING TO LITERALLY DIE A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH THAT PROBABLY INVOLVES ARACHNIDS, KNIVES, FIRE, AND ENDING YOUR DAYS IN A CARDBOARD BOX. WE. MUST. ACT. NOW."
It was then that my depression whispered: "That sounds scary and overwhelming. Let's let tomorrow figure that out."
Then, when my tomorrow showed up, ready to kick ass, but my anxiety growled: "We already have SO MUCH SHIT TO DO OMG HOW ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GET IT ALL DONE AND WHERE WILL WE START BECAUSE JUST SO YOU KNOW IT'S ALL EQUALLY IMPORTANT IN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAYS SO HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIGURE OUT WHERE TO START?????
In the end, I calmed down both sides of my brain, and I fucking DID THE THING. I scanned all three pages of his application. One page was a large tarantula drawing he'd done. He insisted I include it in the application, so I did. Those teachers are so lucky. He gave me TEN drawings that he thought I should fax to this school.
Speaking as a clinically depressed, anxious, ADHD individual who is also a mental health therapist, I believe that education and therapy can only go so far. Taking absolute responsibility for our own well being is where it's at.
This is the state of my brain right now. We are, collectively, loosing our shit.
It's all going to be ok. Not because situations have changed, but because my world view has changed.
If I want different, I have to BE different. And it won't happen daily. Or consistently.
But it WILL HAPPEN.