Internet is BAD

So I sat down to write a funny little blog entry, but didn't really know what I'd write about. So I googled "Johnny Depp oatmeal ADHD urine" thinking that maybe I'd come across the blog I wrote last night. Well, I didn't. What I came across was the "Top 10 Most Nasty Food Dishes Around The World". So of course I clicked on it. Why? I don't know. Maybe I wanted to know if urine oatmeal was considered a delicacy somewhere in the world. It's not, but worm lolipops and deep fried guinea pigs are (sorry Julia), as well as other things I won't even go into.  I have a seriously vivid imagination and a strong gag reflex, so it was really stupid of me to go on this website. Seriously stupid. After I finished reading about really gross food that NOBODY should EVER, EVER eat, I thought "Wow, that was nasty! Why did I even go there?" Of course, then my attention was immediately captured by a link titled "The 10 Most Disturbing Movies Ever."

Which then led to this internal dialogue between my Id and my Superego:

Id: "Oooh! I wanna see! I wanna look!"

Superego: "Not a good idea. Not a good idea at ALL! I forbid it!"

Id: "Not fair! Why do you always get to be in charge?"

Superego: "Because when you're in charge, you tend to set things on fire, or pee in inappropriate places."

Id: "Whatever. I hate you."

Superego: "I know you do. But I'm in charge."

Id: "You're not the boss of me!"

Superego: "Actually, I am. I'm the Superego. I am rational, impartial and without bias. And I am sooo the boss of you."

Just then, the Ego joined in: "Oh, come ON, how disturbing could they REALLY be? I say let her look. We have to let her make her own decisions someday."

Superego: "Harump! I'm going to read the paper and smoke my pipe. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Id: "YAAAAY!!!"

It's like my fingers had a mind of their own, and before I knew it, I was even more grossed out than the time my daughter pooped all over me when we were buying a car. Now I truly want to throw up. Then I want to set myself on fire, so I can be distracted from thinking about the vileness I have seen.

I'm way too impulsive, entirely too distractible,and utterly lacking the ability to picture the consequences of my actions before I act. I really shouldn't be allowed to make decisions that could cause nausea, trauma, fear or diarrhea. I need a handler, someone I can run my ideas by before I'm allowed to act on them. And I want an internet do-over. I know it's not possible, but I'm still asking. What really pisses me off is the fact that I'm smart enough to know it would have a 99.99% chance of ending badly, BUT I DID IT ANYWAY. So I'm going to make a rule for myself. If a link has the words: nasty, food, poop, disturbing, sickening, vile or shocking, or if it involves clowns or mimes, I'm not going there. I'm just not.

2 comments:

  1. Did ya hear about the guy who was holding his infant son at a cookout and licked mustard from his hot dog off his arm? It wasn't mustard.

    Good morning!

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  2. See Ames, this is exactly what I was talking about. I'm going to tell myself you made that up, just to mess with me. And I'm flipping you off in my mind, fyi. ;-)

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