Peeing Standing Up. In A Trailer Court.

Between my infancy and the age of 5, my Aunt Judy babysat me. Actually, she was my mom's first cousin, so she would have been my second cousin and her daughter Jennifer, who was 18 months younger than me, would have been my third cousin. But since "Second Cousin Judy" was too much of a mouthful, I simply called her "Aunt Judy."

Aunt Judy lived in the same trailer court as my parents and me, so her watching me while my parents were at work was a natch. She was quite religious and didn't approve of many of the games that Jennifer and I came up with, although I tried to give them a religious slant. Many of my games involved the wearing of blankets and towels as clothing and head coverings, just like Jesus. She thought that was sacriligious, as well as making more laundry for her to wash.

When I was 5, there was a little boy who lived in the trailer behind Jennifer, named Brent Lonteen, who was our age, lived in the single-wide behind Jennifer, and he had quite the crush on her. On this particular day, Jennifer and I had just gotten up from our nap, and we were outside, sitting on the swingset, eating our Nutter Butters and trying to decide how to entertain ourselves, as we were forbidden from coming back inside for the next 90 minutes. Aunt Judy had to watch her programs, and we were a distraction.

"Hey! You guys! What are you doing?"

We turned around on our swings to see Brent, standing in his own backyard, peering over at us. He was so cute, but he was only interested in Jennifer, who was equally as cute.

We stuffed the rest of our cookies in our mouth, just in case Brent planned on asking for any, and made our way over to him.

Me: "What are you doing?"

"Brent: Nothing, but look what I can do!"

At that, Brent surreptitiously looked around,  unzipped his fly and let loose a stream of urine that splattered against the wall of my Aunt Judy's shed. My jaw dropped in amazement. He didn't have to sit down! He didn't even have to squat!  No fair!

When Brent was finished, he zipped up his fly and smiled smugly at us. A**hole.

"Did you see that? That's because I'm a boy, and boys can pee standing up. Girls can't do that, cuz you're GIRLS!"

Ha! We would soon see about that!  I have always been highly competitive, and I quickly rose to the challenge. No boy was going to tell me that my 3 year old girl cousin and I couldn't pee standing up!

Jennifer and I quickly conferred in hushed undertones. After deciding upon our plan of action, I quickly stepped forward.

"We can so pee standing up! We do it all the time! (This was a total lie.)

Brent: "I don't believe you! Prove it!"

After quickly looking around to be certain that none of the neighbors were watching, I nodded to Jennifer. She bit her lip in anxiety but dropped trow like a good little soldier. I did the same.

So. There we were, in all our pre-school glory, shorts and underpants dropped to our ankles, with Brent looking on in shocked amazement.

I had watched Brent. I knew how to do it. I thrust my hips forward and Jennifer did the same.

"1, 2, 3, GO!" I shouted at Jennifer. She nodded and squeezed her eyes shut.

At that, we both let loose a stream of pee.  Expecting it to arc out gracefully, as Brent's had done, you can imagine our surprise when we found ourselves with hot urine streaming down our legs, soaking into our socks and running into our shoes.

"Eeewwwww!!!" we both shrieked in disgust, hopping around in an attempt to stop peeing and take off our shoes and socks at the same time.

Just then, Aunt Judy came around the corner of the trailer. Upon seeing her 3 year old daughter and 5 year old niece/2nd cousin, with their undies around their ankles, voluntarily soaked in their own urine, in front of a boy,  my Aunt Judy lost it.

"AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" She screamed, as she reached down and grabbed the first thing handy, which happened to be a very large stick. A tree branch, really.

Terrified for our lives, Jennifer and I both screamed in earnest this time, as Aunt Judy ran towards us, waving the large tree branch at us.

The chase was on.

Jennifer and I found ourselves in the unsavory position of having to escape the rage of Aunt Judy and her big stick, while running away with our shorts and underwear around our ankles.

It is very difficult to run fast when your shorts and undies are around your ankles. Even more so when your socks and shoes are filled with your own steaming hot urine. Add to that a rage-filled Aunt/Second Cousin and several neighbors who had turned out for the show, and you can understand the stress we were under.

Brent had slunk off by this time and gone back inside his single-wide. Bastard.

As it turned out, Aunt Judy was no match for two adrenaline pumped pre-schoolers in fear for their lives. Even hampered by squishy socks, heavy, urine soaked shoes, and pants around our ankles, we had more motivation to escape Aunt Judy than she had to beat us.

Eventually, Aunt Judy dropped the tree branch and headed back inside the trailer.

She made Jennifer and I stay outside until our shorts and undies had dried.

We never spoke of the incident again.


  1. These are the moments that eventually shape us into the twisted adults we later become :D