Death Race 2000 Through The Eyes Of A Child. Again. Because I just LOVE this post. And it will help you understand why I am the way I am. Or not. Whatever.

Okay, so by now most of you have read this, so you know about my pervasive quest to always be prepared in case of an emergency. Having grown up with severe anxiety and ADHD, it's important to me, the author that you, the reader, realize that to a child with disabling anxiety, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Seriously.

Killer bees? Check.

Suddenly going blind? Check.

Mysteriously waking up deaf one morning? Check.

The Bermuda Triangle and all that it entails? Check.

Spontaneous combustion? Check.

Tornadoes? Check. (Do you have any idea how scary tornadoes are when you live in a trailer court??? REALLY F*CKING SCARY!!! Remind me to tell you about that one time when I was 9).

You might think that this pattern of obsessive rumination would decrease with age, wisdom and maturity, but no. It actually gets worse. You see, I may have been more vulnerable and helpless as a child, but now that I am an adult I now comprehend the full magnitude of the dangers that await me and my children! Molesters, lurkers, rapers (here, I use a term coined by my bloggie friend Becky of Steammeupkid), stalkers, excessively large amounts of water, bullies, choking, carnies, fire, Pomeranian dogs, rogue circus clowns...the list is endless. And I'M responsible for keeping my kids safe from ALL of the bad people and things, ALONG with keeping myself safe.

As a child I counted on my parents to keep me safe from harm, but I.....wait. Scratch that. I counted on myself to keep me safe from harm. My parents were just my safety net in case I needed backup help in staying safe from killer bees, blindness, tornadoes, fire or hijackings. And really, in a hijacking? My mother would be of no use whatsoever.

Ever heard of a B movie called Death Race 2000? Yes? No? Really? Because I have! Wanna know why I've heard of it? Oh, because my parents took me to see it in the drive-in in 1975 when I was 8!

Here's how I picture that conversation:

Dad: "What say we take the kid and head on over to the drive-in thee-ay-tor. Ronnie at work says there's a good picture showing."

Little Me: (playing with Barbie): "Yay! The drive-in! Can I wear my jammies?"

Mom (cutting up bananas for the jello/banana/fruit cocktail salad): "Oh yeah? What's it called?"

Dad (yawns and scratches his ass with a back scratcher shaped like a monkey's paw): "Wellup, Ronnie says it's got cars and racing and that David Carradine guy is in it. That guy what played Rocky too. Whatsisname...Sylves-tor Stallone. You like them, right?"

Little Me: "I wanna go, I wanna go!! (gets up and air punches in front of parents, reminding them that she loved Rocky.)

Mom (flips breaded salmon patties frying in Crisco and pours iced tea in Tupperware glasses): "Well, it sounds good but what's that death part about?"

Dad (raises left ass cheek to fart): "Waaayyll, I don't rightly know. I guess we'll find out now won't we?"

Little Me: "YAAAAYYYY!!!"

Basically, it was a movie set in the year 2000, and all of society has broken down. For entertainment, the President puts on this thing every year called a death race. Four drivers and their navigators drive across the country, scoring points for killing innocent pedestrians.

Here's a quote from the movie:

"As the cars roar into Pennsylvania, the cradle of liberty, it seems apparent that our citizens are staying off the streets, which may make scoring particularly difficult, even with this year's rule changes. To recap those revisions: women are still worth 10 points more than men in all age brackets, but teenagers now rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points. The big score: anyone, any sex, over 75 years old has been upped to 100 points."

Did you see that part about children under 12?

So did I. It's kind of hard to miss when you yourself are a child who is under 12 (70 points).  I had grandparents (100x4), several of my cousins were teenagers (6x40) and I had no idea how much my dad was worth but I knew my mom was worth 10 points more.

Awesome. Now I not only had to worry about myself, but add to that my:
1. Mother= Father+10pts
2. Father=?
3. Grandpa Charlie=100pts
4. Grandma Josephine=100pts
5. Grandpa Bud=100pts
6. Grandma Evelyn=100pts
7. Various and assorted teenaged cousins (females are worth 10 points more than men, remember)=???
8. Me=70pts

And here we were, watching this terrifying monstrosity of a movie.....IN A F*CKING DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATER!!!!

Were my parents insane? We had to get out, and NOW!

Me: "Mom! Dad! We have to get out of here now!! The cars are gonna kill us!"

Mom: "What the hell??? I thought I told you to go to sleep back there! Were you watching this? Now lay down!"
Dad (lifts right ass cheek to fart): "Do what your mother tells you."

Me (getting more and more panicky): "But this movie is REAL! We have to get away, I know a way out! I saw a hole in the fence when I went to the bathroom earlier. Dad, if you gun it, I think we can bust through before anyone tries to kill us. Hurry!"

Dad: "Now hold your horses young lady. We paid for a double feature and we are staying until this movie is over. Do I make myself clear?"

Me (muttering under breath): "...easy for him to say. He's not worth hardly anything! I'm worth 70 points and mom's worth 10 points more than him..."

Dad (glaring): "What are you mumbling back there? Do you have something to say? If so, then just spit it out!"

Mom (sighing): "You two...."

Me (terrified beyond all rationality, screaming): "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS! I'M WORTH MORE POINTS THAN YOU AND SO IS MOMMY! YOU HATE US AND WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!"
At first, there was only silence. Then came the sound of gravel crunching under tires as we slowly drove away into the night. The crisis was averted.

This time......

3 comments:

  1. Ok, it all makes sense to me now...why every time my BFF in high school would rev the engine and mutter "100 points for that one" when an old lady crossed in front of her car. Yep. It all makes sense to me now.

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  2. yvonne...this made me laugh out loud...

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  3. Thanks Rachel! Lola, that's too funny, I remember doing the same thing in high school but I was the only one who had ever heard of this movie. If you watch the trailer, afterwards it has the best scenes from the movie, you should click on it. I was going to put it in this post but it's 5 minutes. It was sooo funny.

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