Know why I don't want my son to pee standing up? Because somebody, probably ME, is gonna sit in it. THAT'S why.

Last night, I watched The Hot Chick with my 8-year-old son. I wasn't too worried, there was some minor language but he knows better than to repeat it, and any sexual innuendoes flew right over his head, so it was the perfect movie for us.

There was one scene in particular that caught his attention. It's the scene of the movie where "Jessica" has to go pee at the club. In earlier scenes we saw that she just peed sitting down, but she has to use the trough in the men's room at the club, and apparently she's never peed standing up.

Ok, I just realized that if you've never seen the movie, this probably makes no sense to you. Basically, a cheerleader (Rachel McAdams) and a thief (Rob Schneider) accidentally switch bodies. Here's the movie poster:

Now you want to see it, right? I know. So anyway there's this scene where the cheerleader has to go standing up. Zach sat straight up and got that look in his eye, the look that says I have an interest in this, a desire to see it play out in real life and with enough time I'll have a plan. Wait...there. Now I have a plan.

Because I potty-trained both of my children, I taught both of them to go pee sitting down. Julia had no issues with this, but Zach insisted on standing up. The problems with this were that I had never seen a guy actually go pee, because my ex-husband would never let me watch. And I asked A LOT. So I didn't know if I was supposed to tell Zach to just point and shoot, or was there a special way to do it? And I've heard rumors about something called "shaking it", but I wasn't sure about that either, and I knew that if I just told him, "shake it", I'd get a call from the school telling me that my son was shaking his penis at the other kids on the playground. Because he would totally do that. He has done that. Both in Kindergarten AND in first grade.

So he sat. But he didn't like it.

Then he saw THIS SCENE last night, and I knew that someday, somehow, I was going to regret letting my incredibly impulsive, creative and curious son watch this movie:

I just didn't know I would regret it so soon.

This morning I sat on the toilet seat and it was wet!!! Ewww!

So I yelled downstairs, "Zach! Did you pee standing up this morning?"

Zach: "...No!"

Me: "Zach!! Did you pee standing up this morning!!"

Zach: "...No!!"


Zach: "...yes."

Me: "Well I SAT IN IT!!!"

Zach: ".....Ewwww!!"

And THAT is why he pees sitting down. His future spouse will thank me. School janitors and grade school teachers will thank me. And if he ever becomes friends with your son, or ever dates your daughter, you will thank me.