I need $5.50. Only from a lot of you.

So I need to have my bathroom completely replumbed, I need a new dryer (preferably a new set), I need a new car and I really ought to have a savings account, just in case. Those are a lot of things, right? Well, I don't want any donations, I want to earn the money. But? Just what can I sell for approximately $4,000? Not much really, unless you're childless and want to buy my children, but if you've landed here you've already realized it's a bad deal for you, really.

Then I realized, I have lots of things I can sell for $5.50, a bunch of times over! And no, I don't mean THAT.

So, for the first time ever, here is my list of things I will sell to you/do for you for $5.50:

1.   If you send me 5 pictures of you, I will come up with 5 witty captions for them.
2.   I will type out the words to "Sympathy for the Devil".
3.   I will edit one chapter of your "Bestselling Breakout New Author Tell-all Novel!".
4.   I will write a break-up letter for you. For $4 extra, I will include drawings. The drawings will suck, just so you know.
5.   I will give you 5 witty retorts to use when someone is pissing you off.
6.   I will send you a picture of me, right when I wake up.
7.   I will tell everyone I know about you, for one whole day.
8.   I will be your pretend telephone girlfriend for 24 hours. Like that time on The Brady Bunch when Jan   was "dating" George Glass. Only I'm real.
9.   I will tell you my best friend's biggest secret.
10. If you already are my best friend, I will keep that one really big secret, secret and instead tell the biggest secret of my 2nd best friend.
11. I will write a report/article for you. But only the first page (double spaced). The other pages cost $3 each.
12. I will tell you about my weirdest dream, and allow you to say that it's yours.
13. I will take you to the trailer court I grew up in, and introduce you to everyone. After that, I'm not responsible for what happens.
14. I will follow your blog.
15. I will read the newspaper to you.
16. I will help you set up your ebay seller account.
17. I will explain the Middle Ages to you. This service will include a brief history of lamprey eels, discussion of Eleanor of Aquitaine, how she was the wife of two kings, and the mother of two more
18. I will tell you why brides carry flowers, why weddings are traditionally in June and where the phrase, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" came from.
19. I will give you my opinion regarding what color you should paint your living room.
20. I will contrast and compare Spiderman with Jesus.