An open letter to children everywhere. Beggardly, greedy and self-centered children, shut it.

Dear Children,

I am so freaking tired of listening to you whine. Everywhere we go, I hear, "I want....", "but everybody has....", "it's not fair....." or "I HATE YOU!!"

Here's the lowdown. You are spoiled beyond belief. And it's not just you. Children all across the U.S. are equally spoiled and entitled far more than you have a right to be. So this is my response to your demands. My manifesto, as it were:

1:  "I'm BORED!"
1a: Shut up. You have an Xbox, a Playstation 3, a Wii, Netflix, DVD's, MP3's, a DSi and a computer. Know what I had when I was 12? Books. Books and a Barbie dollhouse I constructed out of a shoebox, duct tape and furnished with blow-up doll furniture that I had to blow up with my own breath. Sometimes, for fun, I would spin in circles and then fall down. If I was lucky I would break a bone, necessitating a trip to the emergency room. But most times Grandpa just ductaped whatever was hurt and I was sent on my merry way. So go find some mud and play in it, it's good for you!

2. "Mama? Can I have a.....?"
2a. No. Shut up. Every time we go to the grocery store you ask for a freaking car. Or truck. Or $5 frozen dinner. Or candy. SHUT UP! I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF THINK!! Do you know what would have happened if I had asked Grandma for something every time we went to the store? Neither do I, because I KNEW better than to ask for anything!!!!

3. "So, are these all the presents I get for a) Christmas or, b) my birthday?"
3a. What the HELL does that mean??!! YES!!! The 5 video games, 2 containers of 2490 lego pieces, $45 worth of stocking stuffers and robot dog are ALL you get. Know what I got for my 15th birthday? A F*CKING MIRROR!!! Oh, Grandma will tell you, "but it was beveled glass!" but you know what? It was still a freaking mirror. And let's not forget the gifts of underwear and socks I always got for Christmas. Underwear and socks. Seriously. I got like, 5 toys and the rest of my gifts went on my feet or my ass.

4. "Mama? I want to go to Justice, can we?"
4a. NO! Shut up. How much does a tank top cost at Justice? I'll tell you. $15! But if I buy 2 then they're only $6.99 each. Do you know when I got new clothes when I was growing up? At the beginning of the school year, baby. That's right, ONCE A YEAR. If I was lucky, I might find a sweater hidden in with the packages of tube socks and training bras. Grandma didn't even BUY my clothes, she MADE THEM!!! Every fall, she'd take me to the fabric store and have me pick out patterns for dresses, skirts and tops. If she could have made my jeans, she would have.

Then I would pick the fabric. And do you think she ever let me have a top made out of purple silk chiffon? NO! Because that wouldn't be practical. One time she made me a grey wool jumper (that's a dress with straps, it goes over a shirt). Only it was a trapeeze line, so it me look pregnant. I know this because every time I wore it, those bitches in Home Ec class asked if I was knocked up. And when she couldn't sew my clothes? Then she'd embroider shit all over my sweatshirts and shorts. None of my clothes had tags. Try dealing with that when you're changing in the girl's locker room.

5. "There's nothing on tv!"
5a. AH MAH GAH! I'M GOING TO SMACK YOU!!!  You have the Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Nick at Night, and who knows how many others. Seriously! Know what was on when I was a kid? THREE CHANNELS! After school, my choices were reruns I Dream of Jeannie or Gilligan's Island. And if Grandpa got home from work early? Forget it kid, you were stuck watching Gunsmoke or Ponderosa. But? Every 6 weeks (around the time report cards came out) there was an after-school special! Woo-hoo! Some show about teens getting pregnant, or AIDS or drunk. Or a combination of the three. There was usually a moral tone to the after-school specials.

Oh, and if you wanted to watch cartoons? FAGEDABADIT! Cartoons were only on Saturday mornings, between 7am-11am, and every kid lived for that 5 hour time frame. And even on Saturday mornings, they managed to sneak some learning in somewhere. It came in the form of Schoolhouse Rock. On weekday mornings there was either Sesame Street, The Electric Company or Captain Kangaroo.

When I was a kid, we didn't have SHIT. And we were happy. So unplug and get your ass outside before I beat your ass.