Know what little kids and drunk college boys have in common? THEY ARE LYING LIARS. Also, they sometimes pee their pants when they drink too much.

Today, I thought I'd dedicate this post to an issue that has bothered me, and others like me, for some time now.

Our kids lie about us.* Usually in public. And often quite loudly.

Do you know those people who say, "Oh, children are just so refreshingly honest!" or, "Young children don't know how to lie at this age. That's how you know they aren't lying when they say their parents are beating them!"

Bullshit. I bet they don't even have kids.**

Or how about this one?

"Children and drunks. They always tell the truth."


Do you know how many drunken college boys have slung an arm around my shoulder and slurred wetly into my ear, "buh ah love you bayhbeeee!", only to never be heard from again?
Eleven. The answer is always eleven.

Equally duplicitous, if only slightly less obnoxious, is the species known as Toddlerus Americanus, or, in layman's terms, any American child who still has not fully committed to the concept of dry underwear, drinking from an open cup or remaining fully clothed when in the public arena. I expect that toddlers of other nationalities are little liars as well, but as my experience has only been with the children of my country, I will leave the foreign toddler-liar issue to my bloggy-peers in Asia, Australia, South America and Africa.

Case in point. When my son was 2, I took him to the local Walmart Supercenter for some groceries and various sundries. As I lovingly stroked his cap of angelic blond curls and kissed his cherubic cheeks, he looked up at me adoringly with big blue eyes framed by long curly lashes.  Then he widened those baby blues and loudly asked:


This is him, at age 2, in "Lord of the Flies" mode:
I take no prisoners

So you can see why the Walmart ladies were so aghast, right?
Everybody in that aisle turned toward us in shock. That's right. Every white-trash (I call trailer trash! I grew up in a trailer court, so I can say that!), toothless, wrinkled and scraggly-haired woman turned a judgemental eye towards me.

Even women who looked like this:
Ah judge you, an' ah have found you wantin'

My most immediate thought was, Oh HELL no! You did NOT just say that, you lying little shit! You are SO LUCKY we're in public where I can't give you the beating you so richly deserve!  DON'T YOU KNOW I F*CKING LOVE YOU!??

But of course if I'd said any of those things, I would have been chased out of Walmart by an angry group of scraggly-haired women carrying pitchforks, Yoo-hoo Chocolate Drink® and porkrinds.

So, ever opting for the truth, I sweetly said (in a voice sure to carry to the farthest corners of the liquor aisle that we just happened to be in), "What are you talking about? I love you! I've never said I don't love you!" (This is true. Shut up.)

My young son, oblivious to the drama, but somehow convinced that he was right, decided to argue this fine point.

"Yes you do! You say it ALL THE TIME! You say, 'Zachie, I NO LOVE YOU!" (collective gasp, myself included).

Let me point out a minor problem in my son's claim. How many adults do you think tell their children, "(insert name here), I no love you!" No matter how stupid the parent, or how poor their grasp of the basic rules of English grammar, not once have I ever heard a parent utter that particular phrase. And I have come across my fair share of stupid parents, let's just make that crystal clear.

I don't recall how this story ends, but suffice it to say that I was traumatized that day. This is why I advocate the use of ball gags alternative childcare arrangements when you need to do your weekly shopping.****

And just so you know, I'm not the only parent whose child lies about them. I have a friend who taught her three-year-old daughter to scream, "This is not my real mommy!", just in case she was kidnapped and people were around.

Her child decided to test out her newfound powers. At Walmart. As my friend was in, you guessed it, the liquor aisle*****, her child loudly proclaimed, "THIS IS NOT MY REAL MOMMY!!!"

*Of course, kids don't lie all the time.

** Do I really have to say this? *sigh* My attorney says I do. Fine. If a child evidences any abuse done to them, by all means call the police and/or DCFS. For serious. In fact, if this is news to you, you are to stupid to be allowed to read my blog. Go away now. You make me feel stabby.

***That? Oh, that was a big, fat lie.

****This blog in no way is meant to be indicative of the way you should actually deal with other human beings in real life.

***** HAHAHAHA!!!!! Ok, she was in the card aisle. But that's not nearly as funny.

1 comment:

  1. They also tell anybody who will listen that their mommy is 102. The man who was in the next aisle snickered and asked if he could see said child's mother as the child was only about 5. Heh, heh.