Have you heard of it? If so, you probably have one in your home. If not, it's basically like subjecting your children to McCarthyism for a month. Only Joe is wearing an elf hat. And ladies underwear (but only if you believe that rumor, of course.)
|What's Victoria's Secret? ME. And I'm STILL watching you.|
Anyway, I googled this elf/shelf thing and that's when I realized something.
Elves are assholes.
I decided to put my deductive reasoning skills to the test, and I came up with the following:
1. If some parents buy these elves.
2. And the elves are assholes.
3. Then some parents just might be assholes.
Not sure if you're
1. If I owned an Elf-on-the-shelf I would:
A. Read the Elf story to my child every night before bestowing Eskimo/butterfly kisses on his/her face, and quietly tiptoeing out of the bedroom.
B. Thoughtfully position the Elf on an easily accessible piece of furniture, take a photo of it for my child's scrapbook, and then make sure I'm in bed by 10pm sharp.
C. Have a
|What do you mean, I have to "hold it" until morning???|
2. My personal mantra is:
A. My child is a precious gift, and my duty as a parent is to protect his/her sacred innocence. At any cost. Also? My child has a Spirit Animal.
B. Yeah, I love my kid. But who says love and emotional trauma are mutually exclusive? Besides, if I mess with my kid, it toughens them up for the real world.
C. Back off! My parents locked me in a box every night for 8 years and I turned out JUST FINE!!!
3. Something I think about often is:
A. Knowing I would DIE for my child. Several times in a row, if I could.
B. Sure, I love my kids. But I need some me time too, you know?
C. If you mix up the letters in "Santa's Elf", it spells "Satan Self."
You know the drill, mostly A's? You're a living saint. A martyr. And your child will probably have Mommy Issues. Let's just hope he doesn't turn out like Norman Bates.
|"A boys best friend is his mother"|
Mostly B's? You're somewhat sadistic, but in a grounded sort of way.
Mostly C's? Hahahaha!!!
|Santa's Little Narcs|