Stuff ADHD people like, part I

I haven't blogged in FOREVAH, because I couldn't think of anything funny/witty/poignant, or simply entertaining to write about. Except for that one thing that happened two weeks ago, but I'm not going to blog about that, because I know some gossipy beyotches, and I didn't feel like having my family be the topic of the monthly get-togethers. Again.


But tonight I had a flash of inspiration. You all know I'm diagnosed with a RAGING case of ADHD, but tonight I realized that not all of you may know what that means. So for your edification, I present:


(I couldn't put the word "shit" in my title, because I have this agreement with BlogHer that I won't put curse words in my title). Everyone on BlogHer has the same agreement. So, no, I wasn't singled out, no matter what that bitch Jillsmo has been spreading around.

1. Gadgets. More specifically, anything that promises to make our lives easier, or simply more fun, as we are easily bored and often gullible. These objects are initially sold via infomercial between 2-4am, and then end up on the shelves of Walmart in boxes marked "As Seen On TV!".

These include: Seal-A-Meal (own it), Ginsu knives (own one), Pro-Active (bought it once), Didi-7 Stain Remover (this shit WORKS!), those flashlights you have to shake to get them to work (bought one, but now I can't find it. The Boy probably has it), The Slap-Chop (America's Food Chopper), Pasta Boat (Cooks, Drains, Steams & Stores!), The Touch N Brush Hands-Free Toothpaste Dispenser (Z used to beg me to buy one, but I knew I would end up with nothing but a bathroom counter full of toothpaste, and anger in my heart), the Roomba (I WISH! Have you SEEN those awesome cat videos???) and The Perfect Tortilla Pan Set (I'm not stupid, I know how to fold a tortilla), just to name a few.

2. Things that you can put other things inside of. Stacking baskets, food storage containers, 5-foot-tall wine racks in the shape of an exotic fish, floor lamps that double as CD holders and desks with lots and lots of cubbies and drawers are a few examples. This is because we are usually a hot mess in the area of housekeeping, and anything that promises to consolidate space is AWESOME.

3. AHMAHGAHDSHINYTHINGS!!! Jewelry, glassware, mirrors, picture frames, pottery, pretty dresses, shoes, belts with Swarovski crystal belt buckles, purses, gel pens, stainless steel refrigerators, sparkly nail polish, fancy grills, ceiling fans, perfume bottles and KitchenAid stand mixers.

4. Books and magazines that promise to help us get our homes and lives in order. Once, I read a magazine called "Real Simple" and got the idea to safety pin my kids' socks together so I didn't have to bother matching them. I immediately subscribed to it, because hello??!!! Genius time saving ideas here, people! I've been getting it for 11 months now and I've never opened it. Ever. It sits on my counter for about 4 months and I end up throwing it away because another book I bought called, "How to Clean Your House Without Really Cleaning" said to throw away anything I hadn't used in the past 3 months.

5. Cell phones, video cameras, actual cameras, iPods, tablets, notebooks, Nooks, chronograph watches, Kindles, GPS devices, fancy pedometers, pens that light up when we write with them, and digital meat thermometers. Because we like buttons, yo.

6. TV shows about people who are bigger messes than we are, such as: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, 16 and Pregnant, Hoarders, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, and Cops. As long as they are an hour or less, with lots of commercial breaks. Because that's when we get on ebay and order cameras with lots of buttons, new facial creams, Shark steam mops and iPods with more space for all the music we download from iTunes.

7. Other people with ADHD. You may not even know you have ADHD, or ADHD traits. BUT! We will sniff you out like a monkey on a banana plantation.

8. Monkeys.