Character flaws!

It's been a while since I posted, I honestly couldn't think of anything to write about, so I've been leaving it alone. Until about 5 seconds 8 days ago, when I belatedly realized that OMG I HAVEN'T SHARED MY CHARACTER FLAWS WITH YOU GUYS YET!!

So here goes, in no particular order. Also? I'm writing them down as I go along, because winging it is kind of my thing. It's what I do best, and that's probably due to my ADHD. I have to think fast, make stuff up as I go, and deal with the fallout later. I'm not sure if that counts as a character flaw or not. I'll let you know later.

1. I am highly distractible. Often, to a debilitating degree. For example, I started this post 8 days ago, but then got distracted by middle aged black man knocking on my door at 11:36pm, offering his lawn services if he could just use my mower/rake/hoe/flashlight. When I told him I did my own lawn work, he told me he needed work and I told him the local deli was hiring if he needed a job. I also promised to give him $10 cash if he brought back an application, and told him I would help him fill it out, if he wanted. We even shook hands on it, but he hasn't come by yet.

And also, the internet.

2.  I have an annoying tendency to make everything about me. I tell myself that it shows empathy, but really it probably just pisses people off.

For instance, I'll start off honestly trying to listen to you, talk about you and empathize with you, but it always comes back to me. For instance, let's say you have a really bad mole problem in your backyard. And you just found out that your husband is cheating on you. I'll start out with a truly honest attempt at putting myself in your shoes, because I like you and I'm not a heartless bitch. But before I know it, I'm telling you that I really understand your situation, because one time my ex-husband who is dead now tried to get rid of our mole problem by setting the lawn on fire and THAT was crazy, let me tell you. Hehehe.

About halfway through my story, I'll realize what I'm doing, but there's no pause or rewind button in real life, so what generally ends up happening is I'll just stop talking mid-sentence, laugh awkwardly and ask what pesticide/attorney you're using.

3. My laugh is too loud. Seriously, it's LOOUUUUUDDDD. My dead ex-husband used to say it would probably qualify as a self-defense mechanism. Part of it is because my dad was hard of hearing when I was growing up, so if I wanted to be heard I had to be loud. The other part is because I have no freaking idea how to be understated.

People who are funny in an off-hand, understated, self-deprecating sort of way, such as John Cleese, David Sedaris or my friend Amy's older brother Kelly, are my comic idols. My type of humor generally ends up screaming, Lookitt meeeee!!!! Whereas Kelly's form of humor murmurs, Really, there's nothing to see here. Just some crows. And then he'll make an hilarious comparison between tweeked up junkies riding the subway at midnight and three day old pastries from his favorite bakery in Amsterdam. And bicycles.

4. Boundaries? What boundaries? I've gotten better at this in the past few years, but there was a time when I would compliment you on your dress, then ask you where you got it and, depending upon my comfort level, then possibly ask you how much you paid for it. Because? FRIENDS HAVE NO SECRETS, amiright? Nevermind that I'd just met you at a party/bathroom at a bar/grocery store checkout line.

Just ask my 13-year-old daughter. Because for the past 2 months, I have been logging into her facebook account and posting/liking/friending as her. Because quite honesty, she does a piss-poor job of engaging in social media and she could definitely use the help. And? Her online social life has never been more active. Seriously, this child has no idea how to network, she's lucky she has me to cull the internet for humorous e-cards, witty status updates and intriguing comments on various friends' walls.

Seriously.

5.

Some of the best and worst places to meet potential love interests, Part One

So, as most of you know, I became divorced/widowed last year. It's true, I have tried to play the "widow card" on occasion, usually when on the phone with customer service representatives. It has helped in some situations (big shout-out to Liz from T-Mobile, woohoo!), and not so much with others (let me give a GIGANTIC f*ck you, to Robert from patient accounts). But to be fair, I was divorced in January and he died in April, so there are a mere three months between divorce and widowhood, in my book.

This brings me to my point. The point of my post. Where are all the good men??!! Because I'm ready to maybe stick my toe in the dating pool. I've been through all five stages of grief several times, gone through grief counseling, put my kids through grief counseling, sent my kids to grief camp, and we even had a freaking birthday party for their dad this year! Is that weird? Maybe I should leave that off my Match.com biography?

Seriously, we're all grieved out. My daughter keeps asking about potential new dads, but not to replace Daddy. Just a dad. And my 9 year old son would really like to have permission to pee standing up, but since we're a house of all women, I haven't green lighted that particular project as of yet. Oh sure, I'll catch him sneaking one in when he thinks I'm not listening, but I can tell, because when he pees standing up, it's louder. More splashier. And me? I'd really like to have another adult in the house to have grown-up talks with, maybe someone who will appreciate my spinach-and-toasted-pine-nut-meatloaf-with-brown-gravy. Seriously. I love to cook, and make up recipes, but it's like throwing pearls before swine at my house, where Velveeta is it's own food group and fruit snacks are considered an actual fruit.

So, in the interest of meeting a cool, fun guy who has a stellar sense of humor, rapier-sharp wit, the desire to forever better himself and is willing to NOT live in the basement, I did what most of my friends have already done. I created a fake Match.com account, sat back, and waited.

What I discovered is that Match.com may not be the place for me, but if you're looking for mildy-to-moderately-pathetic, middle-to-late-aged wankers who think the height of wit is inserting the number "69" in their username, then Match.com may be just what you're looking for.

Know where a good place to meet a guy is? The Finance section at Barnes & Noble, because these guys are probably either taking a finance course in college, or have finances of their own which need managing. Of course, they could always be trying to meet a woman who has finances, so these men still bear watching. It's a jumping off point, at least.

Know where a bad place to meet guys is? In line at the grocery store tonight. Number one, because it's the 4th of the month, which means it's food stamp (link card) day. Not that food stamps are bad. I just don't want to present myself and my children as a financial burden, when it's obvious that this man has his hands full simply keeping himself stocked up on canned chili and ding-dongs. Secondly, because there's always the possiblity that a man named Dave will strike up a casual conversation with you, culminating in his disclosure that he was horrifically abused as a child by his parents.

Does anyone out there have a good dating story to tell? One that doesn't involve childhood trauma, murdered kittens or bigamy? If you do, I'd love to hear it.  

Just dropping in to say a quick hello. Literally.



Soooo. I haven't seen you guys since the middle of April. I got my yellow stripe in Kuk Sool Won last week, how do you like it? And yes, I totally got this idea from Jillsmo, because she rocks.

Hey there!

Baby Steps. Baaaayyybeeee Stepppps.