When an obsessive need meets a brilliant ADHD moment, it's a beautiful thing.

I like to brush my teeth. Wait, let me jump back. I have an OBSESSIVE need to brush my teeth. Several times a day. Twice in the morning upon wakening, once after my mid-morning coffee binge, once before lunch, once after lunch, once after I get home from work, once before dinner and once before bed.

Is that weird?

I already know this habit goes back to my eating disordered days. I hated having the taste of food in my mouth. I wanted a fresh, clean, minty mouth at all times.

I overcame anorexia, but the need to have a sharp, shiny-clean mouth has lingered. Which made this morning very difficult, as I ran out of toothpaste and everyone knows you can't have your morning coffee before you've brush your teeth twice. Because your nasty morning breath will interfere with the heavenly flavor of your Starbucks Venti iced coffee with 3 pumps of mocha. Amiright? Of course I am, it's my blog.

So you can probably imagine my horror when, upon dragging my ass to the bathroom kitchen sink last weekend, I discovered that my tube was completely and utterly used up.

At first I was like, no biggie, I'm sure I picked up some extra tubes the last time I was at the store. Because that's what I do. I stock up on toothpaste and extra toothbrushes the way...well, the way somebody addicted to something stocks up on that thing. Not that I'm addicted to brushing my teeth. I'm sure that any of my co-workers would be willing to vouch that they have never seen me walking down the hallway to the bathroom with a toothbrush sticking out of my mouth.

But when I checked my super-secret new toothpaste/toothbrush hidey-hole (What's that you say? You don't have one? Well, you should. Just in case the Rapture/Zombie Apocolypse/your Mother-in-Law comes to town), I found, to my horror, I had no toothpaste!

And that's when shit got real, yo.

So I did what any normal person would do when faced with a lack of toothpaste on a lazy weekend morning. What's that, you say? Run to the local Walgreens? Pshht! Not before I'd had my coffee, which I couldn't have because I couldn't brush my teeth.

This is what I did instead:
Haha. It only looks empty.


Ta-Da! Toothpaste for another week. At least.
 

Why I take medication.

1. 6:20pm - Decide that you will use the leftover roast chicken from yesterday to make white chili. YUM!

2. 6:45pm - Realize that you and your family won't be able to enjoy this feast without tortilla chips.

3. 6:47pm - Leave the chili on low (it needs to simmer for 15 minutes, you'll be back waayyy before  then) and instruct your children not to kill each other while you're gone. They promise they will do their best, and that's good enough for you.

4. 6:48pm - Halfway down your street, realize that you would really like hair extensions. Tonight.

5. 6:49pm - Turn left towards Sally Beauty Supply, instead of right, towards the local market.

6.  6:49-7:05pm - Spend 15 minutes talking to Ruth, at Sally Beauty, about hair extensions, and the difference between fusion and clip extensions. End your visit with a bag of hair and a thingy that gets SUPER HOT. Later you will use this device to semi-permanently glue pieces of hair to your head. You don't see a problem with this, in fact, you think it's really neat. Ruth tells you that you will need 5 packages of hair, but she only has 3 packages in your color. You decide Ruth is full of shit, and you know that 3 packages of hair will be just perfect. Ruth reminds you that hair is non-returnable. Pfft, whatever.

7. 7:10- Arrive home with your bag of hair and a giant bag of Tostitos. Your children are in the process of killing each other.

8. 7:11pm-Scrape the burnt chili off the bottom of the pan. Feed it to the kids anyway.

9. 8:00pm - Hustle the kids into bed so you can... Do. Your. Hair!

10. 8:05pm - Pour yourself a glass of wine. You deserve it!

10. 8:10pm - Wash and dry your hair. You notice that it's never looked this silky and shiny before. You ignore this ominous warning, and proceed to hot-glue strands of some stranger's hair to your head. You wonder if the hair was harvested from dead people. Because the package says, "Human hair." It doesn't say, "Human hair from a living person."

11. 8:15pm - Realize this was a huge mistake. But the hair is non-refundable, so you decide to keep going. You've never been a quitter, and you aren't going to start now.

12. 8:23pm - You now have 14 strands of 12 inch long hair glued to the lower half of your head. This is not what you had pictured. You have some wine.

13. 8:25pm - You recall the lady at Sally Beauty telling you about a chemical that disolves the glue. Something that has acetone in it. She also warned you not to use products that had animal fat in them.

14. 8:28pm - You find yourself frantically rubbing at your hair with cotton balls soaked in nail polish. It doesn't work.

15. 8:31 - You seriously consider rubbing a pork chop into your hair.

16. 8:35pm - You decide that a hot shower is what you need. The lady at Sally warned you not to take hot showers, or the extentions would come out. You glop on 2 different kinds of conditioner, hoping that one of them contains some form of animal fat. But? The top of your hair looks AWESOME

17. 8:41pm - You now have massive tangles in your hair, held in place by stiff, wet hair glue.

18. 8:45 - Apr├Ęs-shower, you pry the lid off of your stick of Secret, and suddenly a huge lump of deoderant flies off, only to land in your glass of wine. Of which you have only had one sip.

19. 8:45:14 - FUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!

20. 8:48 - You attempt to comb through your hair, but it's no good. The lower half of your hair is now a huge mass of sticky tangles. And there's no more wine. You decide to put the top half of your hair in a huge clip, to keep it away from what you now call, "The Unspeakable."

21. 9:00pm - You're already in your pajamas, but so what. You slip your longish black coat over your blue satin striped pajamas. It's cold outside, so you decide to wear your Tamara Henriques striped Wellingtons. The Palistinian guys who run the liquor store aren't going to judge you. In fact, you have an agreement with them. In exchange for them always keeping a cold bottle of your favorite chardonnay on hand, you simply grab a bottle off the shelf, walk into the cooler and exchange it for the chilled bottle you put there several days ago. Yes, you're doing their work for them, but your favorite chardonnay, always chilled? WIN.

9:14pm - They totally judge you.

22. 9:20pm - You arrive home with your chilled bottle of wine, and decide that a low ponytail is always in style. Time for burnt chili and a movie.

And this is why I take medication.