Sometimes when you think you're getting The Bee Gees you actually end up with Bollywood. It happens, roll with it.

Sometimes  A lot of the time Most of the time, I like to go to thrift stores. As in, I pretty much meet the DSM-V criteria for an addict, only for thrift shops. And I've scored many a wonderful find, let me tell you. Like the time I bought a 1918 Rookwood Pottery piece hand painted by one of their A+ artists, for $1.98, and sold it on eBay for $405. Or the time I bought a Bakelite poker caddy for $5 at an auction, and sold it for $365. I'm just lucky, plus I have what some people call "The Eye." This is when you can walk into a room full of crap, and miraculously are drawn to the ONE THING that has any value whatsoever. I have that, and I really do count myself blessed. The money I've made selling those treasures has paid for school tuition, winter coats, and one ABSOLUTELY AMAZING Christmas. Also, for my divorce.

But when I walked into the Goodwill last week, nothing prepared me for what was about to happen. Sure, I may have found a strand of gray baroque pearls set in sterling silver and 18k gold, with matching earrings, but the real magic happened when I was in the check-out lane, perusing the used CD's. That's when I saw a copy of the soundtrack to Saturday Night Live. Woohoo! I opened it up and checked for scratches, and when I saw it was in pristine condition I popped that sweet little baby into my cart.

#WINNING

You know that moment when you open up your bag from the thrift store and think Awesome! I'm gonna to listen to the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever, while I nuke a couple of hotdogs for the kid. I'M SO EXCITED!  Then you notice that the actual CD is called, "Check It Out!" and has a bunch of songs that are NOT sung by Barry Gibb or Yvonne Elliman? And then you look a little bit closer and see that the songs are called, "Punjabi Party Mix", and "It Was Wrong Mix", or even, "Don't Sample This Mix?"  And then you pop it in the CD player, just for Ha's, give it a listen, and....and.... that's when you realize HOLY F*CKING SHITBALLS! I accidentally bought an Indian Punjabi dance mix!

That just happened to me.

Oooh. They're at a discotheque!

I won't rape you until we're married. I PROMISE.

 Look! Now we're MARRIED!!!

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to my awesome Bollywood CD. SO MANY TIMES.

Just when you think you're done with word problems, YOU FIND OUT YOU'RE NEVER DONE WITH WORD PROBLEMS.

My son has recently Discovered Time. Not time, as in, Oh hey, it's about 5:30. Time to start dinner. 

No. He has Discovered Time, as in, It is exactly 4:31pm. How many seconds until dinner is ready?

Basically, he has turned into a Time Nazi. At the beginning of this phase, when he wanted to know what time it was, I would say something like, Eh, it's around 5:30ish.

Which, if you've never encountered a Time Nazi, is totally not the right answer.

The correct answer is, It is exactly 5:28pm.

So now, when he asks for the time, I make him come to the kitchen and find that shit out himself.

Tonight, on the way to our martial arts class, we ended up discussing how the rate of velocity affects what time you arrive at your destination. This conversation took place completely by accident, and I wish I was a Time Lord, and could go back in time to erase the concept of time, rate of velocity, and all related concepts from his young brain.

But since I can't do that (legally), we ended up talking about how long it takes to drive a mile. Which is where the rate of velocity came in. Then he dropped it, and I thought Well, that was easy. Maybe his obsessive nature is taking a backseat this summer. Woohoo!!!!

Tonight, as I was enjoying my 2nd glass of wine, my child posed a question. A question that let me know the idea of Time + Rate of Velocity HAD NOT LEFT THE REALM OF HIS CONSCIOUSNESS.

The question was this:

If you are driving 59 miles per hour (please note that he did NOT round it up to 60mph. Because that would have been TOO EASY!), and the ocean is 100 miles away (We live in ILLINOIS), how long would it take you to get to the ocean?

Ok, I would like to take this moment to say, WHAT THE F*CK???!! I thought I was done with word problems back in 6th grade. WTF kind of bizarre joke is the universe playing on me? I'm the Language Arts parent, his dad was the Math and Sciences parent!!! F*CK YOU, UNIVERSE!!!

However....HOWEVER, I did not get to the age I am by being stupid. In fact, I am a firm believer in "work smart, not hard." So my first question to The Boy was this:

Do YOU know how long it will take me to get to the ocean?

He said no. Just as I suspected.

So I just made some shit up, I think I said something like, Well, according to my calculations, it will take exactly 1 hour and 39 minutes to reach the ocean. 

And everybody was happy.