I'm joking!!! I bet you thought I was all set to do some lame parody of my fearful self, didn't you? Well, you were wrong.
Here, in no particular order, are 5 things* I thought would happen to me, along with the 5 things that actually did happen, instead. See? You probably thought I was going to just list 5 things, you didn't know you were getting 5 more things!
1. Due to the general dorkiness of myself, I worried that nobody would ever marry me, thus leading to a perpetually lonely and childless state, which I would offset by being the owner of at least 185 cats.
What actually happened - I met a guy and got married. We know how well that turned out, don't we? I am also the proud owner of two children, who in turn own a guinea pig, a hamster and their late father's senile, arthritic cat.
2. I would suddenly awaken one morning only to find that I had mysteriously gone deaf and blind, necessitating the use of both a tappy-cane and a complete library of the Little House on the Prairie books, in Braille.
What actually happened- I didn't go blind or deaf *YET*. And do you know how hard it is to learn Braille? It's really, really hard.
3. I would lose my first tooth in my sleep, so I didn't have to encounter any blood, gore or pain.
What actually happened- My dad tied a string around my loose tooth, sat me in his lap, told me to close my eyes and pretend we were on a motorcycle ride. After he PROMISED not to pull my tooth, (even though the string was hanging out of my mouth), he said, Oh no! A stop sign! and pulled the string. My tooth went flying across the living room and when we couldn't find it, I cried. Then the tooth fairy left me a $5 bill and that's how I found out that guilt pays.
4. Around Christmas of 1978, after my mother bought me Shaun Cassidy's Born Late, along with KISS' Double Platinum (no, the irony does not escape me), I decided I would either be married to Ace Frehley from KISS, or Shaun Cassidy. On the one hand, Shaun was super cute and had dark blonde hair that feathered perfectly. On the other hand, Ace looked awesome in his black leather catsuits and 8" platforms. And don't even get me started on the mystery of being married to someone and never knowing what they looked like. Makeover party!!!!!
What actually happened - I read an interview in Tiger Beat which said that Shaun Cassidy had always wished he had a little sister. I saw my chance and immediately wrote him a letter, offering to be his little sister. I figured I'd get my foot in the door and we could worry about sibling/spousal relationships later.
|My "good boy" husband.|
|My "bad boy" husband. Man, I was complex.|
5. My favorite Saturday morning show was The Shazam! Isis Hour. I came to believe that I had all of the powers that Mighty Isis encompassed, such as the ability to read minds, the ability to make objects levitate, the ability to hold back elements, the ability to act as a human lightning rod, and the ability to stop and reverse time. Every Saturday after 11:10am, I walked around the trailer court chanting "Oh zephyr winds that blow on high, lift me now so I can fly!" I communicated telepathically with crows. Plus? I could fly.
What really happened- My bestie, Kristine, who's grandma sold Tussy products, gave me a gold necklace that had a charm filled with old-lady cream perfume. I became convinced that it was my Mighty Isis pendant. I repeated my chant and made Kristine close her eyes while I ran from the swingset to the tree. When she opened her eyes....POOF! Magic. Plus, I went along with her delusional belief that she could become invisible. Shut up.
*This post was originally going to be about 10 things, but I got bored and then Zach started screaming because he wanted to grow some stupid crystals that I bought him at the Museum Store in Chicago yesterday and I said no, it's 8:30 at night and you have school tomorrow. Then he told me I was the worst mom ever and I said no, I'm not. Grandma was, because she let me believe that killer bees were coming to get me when I was 11. Plus? she and Grandpa took me to see scary movies when I was little. And Grandpa's not much better. Then Zach was all, what do you mean? And I was like, well, all I'm saying is don't fall asleep at their house if you have a loose tooth.