Dear Diary: Memoirs Of A 9-Year-Old Me. REDUX.

So I'm currently working on a new post about Aunt Judy and the time she chased Jennifer and me around the living room because Jennifer asked her what f*ck meant and then Aunt Judy screamed a little and asked Jennifer where she learned that and Jennifer said "Sesame Street", but it's taking a while so I decided to post some entries from the diary my mom got me when I was 9. I know it's from when I was 9 because the front page reads:

THE PROPERTY OF

*Name Redacted*

9 years old

Let's take a look at what was going on in my life back then, shall we? All entries are transcribed verbatim, including the colors of the ink.

January 3 MONDaY
"I went to school today again, had pizza today at home for supper. The teacher gave Artie and me a present she already gave the others theirs owers were late beacause we we absent it was two pencils one pencil had on of those erasors that you put on your pencil and a green and white striped candy cane.

Apparently my obsession with grammar came in my later years.

January 4 TUESDaY
The water came on again today. had home work. It was English. Ordered more books today again. wernt enough to send in there has to be at least 15 books. Dad went to go get his tire filled with air. Again.

No water? WTF parents?

January 11 TUESDaY
Day after tomorrow were going to bake bread and write a report about it.

*yawn* Really?

January 12 WEDNESDaY
Tomorrow were going to make bread I brought a bowl.

Didn't we do this yesterday?

January 13 THURSDaY
Didn't get to bake bread today but we did get to go home early. it snowed alot. The drifts were huge. it was fun me and Kristine slid on my slide in the drifts and I swung on my swing into the drifts. They came up to my knees.

No shit!

January 20 ThuRsDay
We got out early and Dayna let Shelli and Kristine in I got in trouble for not writing a note to tell where I was I can't play for a week and I hade to go to bed until futher notice.

"Until further notice."  I was apparently raised in a very formal environment. And yes, I'm completely aware that I split my infinitive. Fuck you.

February 4 FRIDaY
Today we went to Gramaw's we were playing blind-man bluff and I fell of the bed against the wall and broke my tow and it swolled dad may tape it up so I cant wear my boots.

Here, you can see my trailer park roots showing.

February 6 SUNDaY
Today we went shopping I just wore my footies. I got to ride in a wheel chair. mom pushed me.

I totally remember this. I pretended I was dying of some incurable illness and tried to look sad a lot.

February 21 MOnDaY
Tomorow is the spelling bee im not in it but i am anxush to see who wins. Nancy Nullmyre and Greta Sellmen are the people that won in our class. One of the prizes is some Dichanarys.

now THAT'S ironic.

February 28 MONDaY
Today mom had to practicly drag me out of bed. I didn't want to go to school. At least I'm glad I'm not the only one that has to go throught collage and have more sickning years of school. but I suppose its for our own good.

Was I seriously brown-nosing my diary?

March 8 TEUSDaY
Today we watched a thing about russia. I saw them making caviear first they cut the fish open then they take out the fishes eggs and drain them then they salt them and mix them and put them in cans. they sell it at $100 a pound.

No wonder I didn't have friends in grade school. I was SOOOOOO boring.

March 16 WEDNESDaY
Today we went skating im glad shelli harper coldn't come with us she is just like her last name she harps at us! ha! ha! She bosses us around.

Seriously. What 9 year old uses the word "harps" on a semi-regular basis?

March 21  Monday
I went schating with Kristine's mom. I was snowing pretty hard when we cam out. when we got in the car I dicoverd I left my 3 mushateers and my sweet tarts at washington skateland, thats where we went sckating.

AH. MAH. GAH. This? THIS??? LOOOOOSSSSEEERRRRRRR.......

April 13 Wednesday
Aunt Jowellen is pregnet they bought a gas staiton.

Fyi, my cousin was born the following month. I noticed missing candy and the eviceration of random fish, but was apparently oblivious to my aunt's GINORMOUS tummy.

April 26 Sunday
NOTHING HAPPENED

April 29 Wednesday
NOTHING HAPPENED

May 9 Saturday
found a nest kristine dropped the nest acsidently. + broke the egg.

See how I put that last part in red? I remember doing this, just in case I was accused of breaking the egg, I would be able to point to my diary and say, "NO! SEE? Kristine did it!"
May 14
didnt go shopping today.

May 15
Went shopping today.

May 16-July 3
XXXXXXXXX

July 4
Dear Diary,
TODAY IS THe 4th OF JULY. We went Down to St. Louis and went on the ROBeRT E. Lee and ate LuncH. Mom + DAD HAD OYSTeR Soup WHen we went TO THe TOP of THe aRCH MOM HAD TO GO TO THe BATHROOM! And we coulDnt GO BACK UP! and THen THAT NIGHT We went TO THe ARCH FIREwoks unDeR THe ARCH.

P.S. TODAY BRIEN AND I CELEBRATED UP IN THE BEDROOM.

Ok, I was totally fronting here. I was 9 and had no real idea what went on in a bedroom because my mom didn't tell me until I was 11 and then she drew pictures of a penis and a vagina and labeled them "a" and "b".  But I DID go to summer camp and heard just enough to know that the bedroom was where special stuff happened. Know what Brien(sp?) and I did whenever my dad took me over to his house? We played G.I. Joe's.

But it is interesting to see the progression of my interests wind from scholastic endeavors to boys. Let's see what happens next...

August 5
Today is my birthday I got a ring, two books, a poncho, a shirt, pants, a doll, another ring, two games and some doll clothes and doll wigs and doll toys.

Not exactly sure what a "doll wig" is. Anyone? But? THAT PONCHO FREAKING ROCKED!!!

August 8
David Michel broke up with Me. And hes in love with Stefenie Voight he even kissed her alot. he didnt say he was braking up with me but I new cause he didnt pay attation to me and he used to. he even called me weird. I was sad. Of course he didnt say he loved me but I new.

Asshole.

August 9
Today I found out that david Michel loves Stephanie Voight but she dont love him and David loves Jonie Rioa and she loves him. It makes me sad + mad.

Feeling words. A future counselor in the making, here.

August10
Today in the pool I was squirting david with hose just playing and he told on me. he said I didn't know how to go under water and I do. In front of everybody he said that.

Bastard.

September 17
Kristine's birthday!

October 12
Today is mom's birthday.

November 3
Today is Dad's birthday.

December 25 Christmas
Dear Diary, today is the big day! I cant wait mom said I could look in my stocking until she got up. I got perfum and a watch and a vase and bowl (a Holly Hobby pitcher and bowl)

and a camara

and a sled and some clothes and wash stuff magic etch a scetch. and a donkey my aunt Kathleen made me. (it was actually a zebra made out of striped tube socks and I still have it).

Sorry. I googled a picture of "tube sock zebra" and this is what I got.

Deal.