Cheating Isn't Nice, Artie-Fartie. Or, I Was SUCH A B*tch In Kindergarten.

Place: Neil A. Armstrong-Oakview Grade School
Time: November, Circa 1972
Grade: Kindergarten
Attitude: Snarky

Coloring, the alphabet and connect-the-dots. Three of my favorite childhood pastimes. Know what my favorite childhood pastime was NOT?

Sharing my hard work with a tall, skinny, western-belt-buckle-wearing, ignorant redhead named Artie-Fartie.

In all fairness, his parents didn't name him Artie-Fartie. We did. The Kindergarteners.

Mrs. Welch (Who was a total B*TCH) had given us a morning assignment. Connect the dots using our ABC's, then turn it in. Easy enough, I rocked at Language Arts.

Ooooh! It's an ELEPHANT! Cool.

I turned it in and got my gold star. When I returned to my seat at the table (next to Artie-Fartie), I couldn't help but notice that he was stuck on letter.....B. That's right. He didn't know what came next.

As I was coloring a worksheet, I heard Artie-Fartie make a noise at me.


I ignored him. Choosing a pink crayon, I continued working on my circus zebra.


I set my crayon down and looked at him.


"What comes after B?"

This gave me pause for thought. I had done my work. I had turned it in as instructed and I had gotten my gold star. Now Artie-Fartie wanted to ride my coattails to Gold Star Glory, without doing the work!

F*ck that.

Looking around surreptitiously and seeing that nobody was watching, I leaned in and whispered.....


Artie-Fartie eagerly connected B to L and then looked at me expectantly.

Oh, this was too easy.


And on it went. According to Artie-Fartie's connect the dot puzzle, O followed S. Which followed P. Which followed Z.

And so on.

Nothing can compare to the sneaky, snarky, gleefully AWESOME feeling I had.  Except for Artie-Fartie's f*cked up picture.

It looked like this:

Artie-Fartie's Effed Up Elephant

He looked at his effed-up elephant doubtfully.

"Are you sure?"

Fighting to keep from laughing, I nodded vigorously.

"Yours looked like this?"

"Yep. And I got a gold star."

That sealed the deal. I mean, who doesn't want a gold star?

Except.....when Artie-Fartie turned his work in, Mrs. Welch looked at him incredulously, wrote a huge letter F (which comes after E) on his paper and sent him to the corner.

He turned to look at me accusingly. I shrugged my shoulders, and then turned away.

Picking up my pink crayon, I continued to work on my circus zebra.

This week's assignment was, when meeting someone for the first time, describing a scene from your life that would help show the person your true self.