The Brady Bunch was my favorite show when I was little, for many reasons:
1. They had a huge house, no part of the house was on wheels and none of the children were ever asked to run the lot-rent check up to the office.
2. They had a live-in maid. That meant they were rich, and being rich meant they might adopt me. Of course, I would still visit my parents on weekends and I'd probably bring them some of the porkchops and applesauce that Alice had made.
3. They had a sliding door that lead to the backyard.
4. They had a backyard.
5. There were 3 boys and 3 girls.*
6. All of the boys had dark hair and all of the girls had blonde hair. I became anxious when Marcia's hair started getting darker in season 4.*
7. Each child had a step-sibling that was their exact age.*
8. They had family meetings and the kids actually had a say in how the family was run. Their parents never said stuff like, it's my way or the highway and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
9. Alice always wrote the meals on the chalkboard in the kitchen. There were no nasty surprises at dinner. Like your mom sneaking sliced turnips in with the fried potatoes, and then telling you that if you could tell the difference, you didn't have to eat them. Then when you could tell the difference because turnips, when held up to the light, have veins in them, your mom lied and said no, that's a potato and made you eat it anyway.
10. They had a laundry room. That meant nobody had to be forced to go on weekly trips to the laundromat, where your mom got mad if you and your best friend had races with the rickety metal carts and accidentally bashed them into some dryers and then the girl at the counter told on you and your best friend because you decided to pass the time by having a belching contest. And then your mom made you throw out your sodas, even though you weren't done with them yet.
11. Alice always gave them a snack after school, and it was usually cookies and milk. Nobody had to go to the creepy neighbor's house after school and watch religious programming until their mom came home from work because they were too young to be trusted with a housekey.
12. Nobody ever got spanked in The Brady Bunch. The parents just sat the child down and explained how disappointed they were and then gave them a reasonable consequence. No child in The Brady Bunch was ever made to wear their mom's old glasses from high school as a punishment for faking their vision test in the 3rd grade because she wanted glasses, and the parents never said stuff like, if i ever catch you [fill in the blank] again, i'm going to knock you into the middle of next week or you're cruisin' for a bruisin'.
13. Mr. Brady never asked the kids to pull his finger. Not once.
*due to my obsessiveness, matching-but-not-completely-matching was paramount to me. For example, Marcia could be matched to her sisters due to gender and hair color, but she could also be matched to Greg due to age. Greg could be matched with his siblings as being one of the children, but he could also be matched with Mr. Brady because they both slept with Carol, only Greg did it in real life and Mr. Brady pretended.
