Susan? Is, Susan?

I've been spammed before, and I even wrote two posts about my BFF Susan, and her repeated requests for $2,000 usd because OMG SHE GOT ROBBED!

(Seriously though, for this post to make any sense, you really need to click the links and read the posts. They're funny, I promise.)

My blog had never been spammed, though, and I felt like a loser because all the best blogs get spammed. Then? I GOT SPAMMED!!!

Someone googled "people looking for loan $2000usd in usa 2011". And they found my blog, probably because of my Susan posts. So this is what I got last week (verbatim):

I have two kids and a loving husband, I promise to share this good news because of God favor in my life, 2 months ago I was in desperate need of money so I thought of having a loan then I ran into wrong hands who claimed to be a loan lender not knowing he was a scam. he collected 2,000USD from me and refuse to email me since. then I was confuse, but God came to my rescue, one faithful day just checking at loan site as usual so i found out that is a reputable loan company.
I feel your pain, sister. I have run into wrong hands myself, in the past, and I was also very confuse until the faithful day I kicked his ass to the curb.

Then somebody googled: "I NEED A LOAN IN USA $2000 usd very urgent please help". And I got this:

My Name Is Mrs. Christine Shery Garrett From Canada, An X-Scam Victim and how i get back on my feet and be a personal business owner with cars and landed properties…. This is to announce to the general public about a legitimate lender online. HERE IS MY SUCCESS STORY: I was in a critical search of a genuine loan lending company were i can obtain a loan of $180,000.00USD some lender’s that Came to me sheep clothing i never know they where fraud until i was given the terms of their loan and i agreed eventually i was scammed they scammed me of my hard earn money up to four lender’s that scammed me the sum of $27,000.00USD and i though that all is over that there can never be any other genuine lender until my Husband’s Friend Mr. Garrett Lugard the general manager of Cotsat and cotsat company told me that there is a genuine lender that he obtained a loan of 1.5 Million Dollars At 3% interest rate From that makes him own a private business and a house of his own he Referred me to a company Robert Hook Loan Company ,E-mail: Where he obtained the loan of ($1.5 million Dollars) i told them how referred me to them i applied for a loan of $180,000.00USD after my application and i sent to them the useful information for them to process my loan after 4hours i received a notification From their company that my loan has been approved and processed in the next 4hours my loan of $180,000.00 Dollars was transferred into my account. And i promise them for coming to my rescue i am going to spreed the good news to the entire world ROBERT HOOK LOAN COMPANY IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD. And tell them i Mrs. Christine Shery Garrett referred you to them and your wish will be fulfilled…

Honestly, this lady doesn't sound super smart. Scammed by four companies? Wow.

So I decided to email, and apply for a loan in the amount of $4.2Million usd. Because I like to play the ponies, and with that much money, I can hang out at the racetrack all freakin' day!

But as it turned out, I didn't have to. Because OMG YOU GUYS! It turns out I have a previously unknown, dead, zillionaire uncle from Nigeria!

From: Fred Wilson <>
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2011 12:03 AM
Subject: From Barrister Fred Wilson.... READ THE ATTACHMENT BELOW

Dear Friend,

I am sorry for the embarrassment this mail may cause you, as we have not met before.I am delighted to contact you for a mutual business transaction.It is with heartfelt hope that I write to seek your co-operation and assistance in the context stated below, I am barristerFred Wilson, a solicitor at law in Nigeria ,The personal Attorney to the late engineer Frank. Please, kindly be patient and go through this email carefully which I believe is a message that will be useful to both of us. I got your contact through the help of my sister-in-law that works with the American Chambers of Commerce and Tourism.

Engineer Frank  my late client bears the same last name as yours, who died as the result of Colon cancer on the 8th Nov 2009. I have come to seek your kind cooperation to work with me in this project for you to stand as the next of kin to my late client's fund before it will be confiscated by the bank or the federal government of Nigeria. My late client deposited the sum of ($6.5M) and this bank has informed me to look for the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated.

I want to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client, since you have the same last name with my client so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage by 50-50

All legal documents to back up your claim as my client's next-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. Do get back to me with your information as required below to enable me process the application paper work to the bank presenting you as the next of kin to my engineer Frank.


This transaction will be performed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Thank you as you read this e-mail and I shall wait to receive your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

Barrister Fred Wilson

So, here's what I know about my uncle:
1. His name was Engineer Frank.
2. He died of colon cancer on Nov 8, 2008.
3. He has the same last name as me!
4. Barrister Fred Wilson is his attorney.
5. Apparently it's a custom in Nigeria to split my inheritance 50/50 with the attorney?
6. I'm going to inherit $6.5Million usd y'all!

But here's what I don't know about him:
1. Was he a train engineer? Like, a conductor?
2. What took you so long, Barrister Fred? 2.5 years? Do you know how much I could have won at the track by now?
3. What exactly was Engineer Frank's last name? Because you never really say.
4. Can I call you Barrister Fred?
5. How about 70/30?

So I decided to email Barrister Fred with all of my questions.

From:  Shinythings <>
To: Barrister Fred Wilson
Sent: Saturday July 15, 2011 9:31pm

Oh WOW! You aren't going to believe this Barrister Fred, but I was just down to my last $10 usd when I got your ZOMG amazing email!! Count me IN! So, what did Uncle Engineer Frank do for a living, again? You said he was an engineer. Do you mean like, a train engineer? Because that would be f*cking AWESOME!!! I've always wanted an uncle who was a train engineer. Do you have his train cap, by any chance? And do you have pictures of him? I don't care if they're of him laying in his coffin, any pictures would be just fine. Actually, if you have any photos of Uncle Frank laying in his coffin, I really would prefer those. I collect photos of people in coffins, it's kind of my "thing".

You aren't going to believe this, but just before I got your email, I got another one from Robert Hook Loan Company and I was just getting ready to send off my application for $4.2Million usd! They came to me highly recommended by Mrs. Christine Shery Garrett from Canada. Ha! I don't think I need a loan anymore, Barrister Fred, amiright?

Just tell me what I need to do!

p.s.-No offense, Barrister Fred, but what took you so long? I could have really used this money last week.