"Mama? Do You Ever Hear Voices In Your Head, Telling You..."

My son, Zach. Zach-Attack. Who is awesome. He has major ADHD. He has obsessive thought patterns. And recently, he let me know that he hears voices in his head. Telling him to do bad things.

We were driving in the car when all of a sudden....

Zach: "Mama? Do you ever hear voices in your head, telling you to do bad things?"

Me (cautiously): "Um....Do you?"

Zach (enthusiastically): "Yeah! And they won't go away!"

Me: "Wow. That stinks. So...what do these voices say to you?"

Zach: "Well, mostly bad stuff. I try to ignore them, but they just keep getting louder and LOUDER!"

Me: "Huh. So...are these voices inside of your head or outside of your head?"

Zach: "Um...well, I think they're inside."

Good. That could just be you. If they were outside, you might be psychotic.

Me (carefully): "Wow. So are they boy voices or girl voices?"

Zach (exasperated): "I don't know Mommy! I can't see them. They're inside my head, remember?"

Duh.

Me: "Oh, that's right. So...what bad stuff do they tell you to do?"

Zach: "Well...."

At this point, I'm picturing waking one night with Zach standing by my bed, crazed grin on his face and carving knife arcing downward.....

Zach: "It's pretty bad. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"

Me (hyperventilating): "I'm sure Zach. No matter what those voices tell you, you don't have to...."

Zach: "It mostly happens during Math. Or Spelling. They say, 'Hey Zach! Forget that stupid Math sheet! Look out the window! Don't you want to be outside instead? Come on, you know you want to be outside. Look at the birds! I see something shiny, do you see it too? Homework is stupid, let's PLAY!!!"

That was the point at which I realized Zach had personalized his ADHD, he'd given it a voice.

Me: "Ohhh.....Yes, absolutely. I have those voices too. Only mine say, 'Hey Mommy! Look at those shoes! You know you really want to buy those, right? And forget stupid work, let's eat cookies and take a nap!!"




A Slow-Roasted Chicken Recipe For All Of You

Just to prove to everyone out there that I can be diverse and not always look for the joke in everything, I have decided to give to all of you a gift. A serious gift. The gift of slowed-roast chicken, because who doesn't like chicken? Of course you have to buy it and season it, and then you have to cook it, because I'm a good person and all but come on, I have a life here and kids of my own to feed. I believe it was Jesus who said, "Give a person a slow-roasted chicken, and they eat for a day, teach a person to slow roast a chicken, and they can eat whenever they want. Or whenever they have a chicken." I think.

The awesome thing about this recipe (besides the fact that it takes 13 hours to prepare), is the fact that you can run home at lunch, stick it in the oven and 5 hours later it's ready. Add some sauted asparagus and a baked potato or rice, and there's your dinner. Have a glass of wine with it and your kids' bickering over who gets the wishbone won't bother you as much as it normally would.

Buy a chicken, wash it and take out anything you find in what I refer to as the chicken's vagina.  I know that can't be true, but it was either that or tell myself it's the chicken's asshole. The chicken people like to hide a bag of chicken innards  in the chicken's...cavity, so do with them what you will. I like to make a nice stew out of them and give it to my ex-husband...kidding! (I know he reads this).

So, your chicken is washed, patted dry and ready for action. Mix in a bowl:
2 tsp salt
1 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp garlic powder

Rub the chicken inside (eww, I know, right?) and outside with either butter or olive oil, your choice. Then rub the spice mixture inside (again, I know) and outside. Wrap it up and put it in the fridge overnight. When you're ready to cook it, heat your oven to 250 degrees and put the chicken in the oven, uncovered, for 5 hours. Let it rest for 10 minutes before carving.

I know, awesome, right? You're welcome.

Come back again, there's more where that came from. Actually, it came from allrecipes, but their recipe wasn't as fun to read as mine was to write.

Susan And I Are Going To Be Rich Because Sgt. Brown Is Sending Us $8,000,000!!!! Or, My Adventure With Susan, Part II.

Ok, so hopefully all of you have already read this . If you haven't, go ahead. No, that's ok, we'll wait. Just hurry it up. *taps foot impatiently while looking at wristwatch*

Ok, all caught up? Good. So here's the latest installment of what I like to call "My email exchange with the person who's trying to scam me out of $2,000 but I'm scamming them out of hope, time and the notion that they are dealing with a complete imbecile who is more than willing to send $2,000 to a complete stranger who doesn't speak English but pretends to and can somehow swim the English Channel from Scotland to London, England."

Or, "Me n Susan; The Story of a Friendship".

hootowl20006s@aol.com
mailto:%20toywjujub@yahoo.com
date Mon, Feb 14, 2011 at 4:26 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

How are you doing Today and Happy Love Day, i'm still waiting for your reply...Please
_______________________________________________________
Oh, that's sweet, but apparently she didn't get the email saying that my brother had just died. I'd better tell her again because if I know Susan, she'd feel TERRIBLE mentioning money at a time like this.

Y Shinythings <yowza@yahoo.com>
tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Mon, Feb 14, 2011 at 12:39 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com

Oh Dearest Susan!!!
Did you not get my most recent email? My brother who got hit by the large delivery truck DIED!!! I'm so sad! I need your advice on what I should do with his body. If I have him cremated into ashes it will cost $500, and I would be able to still send you $2,000. If I bury him it will cost me $3,000 and I won't have any money to send you! This decision would be so much easier if he hadn't been in that house fire when we were little. He was always SO AFRAID of fire!

Please tell me what I should do so I know if I should bury him or cremate him and send you the leftover $2,000????

Thank you so much my dearest friend Susan!!!
Von
_______________________________________________________
There. Now she can offer her condolences and leave me to grieve my imaginary sibling in peace.

hootowl20006s@aol.com
mail to: yowza@yahoo.com
date Tue, Feb 15, 2011 at 5:45 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

Oh Vone , I'm very sorry this happen to your brother but you get can still Help me out with some money Please...if you can do that for me i will be Very Happen Vone.
_______________________________________________________
Or maybe not. Well, I definitely want Susan to be Very Happen. Nothing would make me happener.

Y Shinythings <yowza@yahoo.com>
tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Tue, Feb 15, 2011 at 9:50 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com
hide details 9:50 PM (21 hours ago)

Well, how much do you need?
_______________________________________________________
It's always best to be specific when discussing money. It avoids confusion later.

hootowl20006s@aol.com
mailto:toyowza@gmail.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:50 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

well.....
_______________________________________________________
Oh, now she's just being coy. I hate that.

hootowl20006s@aol.com
mail to: yowza@yahoo.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 6:30 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

...............
_______________________________________________________
And impatient. Doesn't she realize I'm GRIEVING?


Y Shinythings <yowza@yahoo.com>
mail to: tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 2:24 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com

Well, ok but I had to go ahead and bury my brother when I didn't hear back from you. It cost almost $3,000, can you believe that??? That rat-bastard took up my whole bonus that I got from my job!!! So right now, all I have in my checking account to live on for the next 2 weeks is $47.83. Is that enough??

I'm all set up to donate a kidney next week, so I could sent you my kidney money when I get it. It's supposed to be around $500. Let me know which you need more, the $47.83 tomorrow or the kidney money ($500) next week.

Do you have enough food to eat? I hope nobody is trying to get sexy with you. You just tell them that you are a good girl and you don't want to get sexy. I've heard about those Scottish men, you have to watch out.

Stay safe!
Yolanda
_______________________________________________________
If she were smart she'd take the $47.83. I might even send it to her. This is the most fun I've had in a long time. It's TOTALLY been worth $47.83.

hootowl20006s@aol.com
to yowza@yahoo.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 2:57 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

Hello,
        thanks for your concern, please all i just want from you is to me loan me $2000 USD for me to return home and once am back i will refund the money back to you immediately..

Thank you and i hope to hear from you soon
_______________________________________________________
Well! Somebody's blood sugar is low.

Y Shinythings <yowza@yahoo.com>
tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:01 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com

Sorry Susan, when I read my email I saw I'd left a zero off. I'm getting $5,000 for my kidney, NOT $500. I'd be giving it away at that price, right? Hehe. So I will have TONS of money after the operation, no need to worry.

So, do you need the $47.83 tomorrow or do you want to just wait for what I call "The Big Payout"?

I'd been saving the kidney for my stupid brother because he had cirrosis of the liver because in addition to being a mentally retarded, freaky bird-sex-watching klepto, he was also a raging alcoholic. Guess he won't need my liver now, right? Lol.

Stay pure,
Vonnie
_______________________________________________________
I think it was very generous of me to offer even more than she originally asked for. I'm a good friend, if I do say so myself.

Y Shinythings <yowza@yahoo.com>
tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:06 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com

I just got your email about the $2,000 while I was emailing you. Do you only need $2,000 or would more help? I'm getting $5,000 deposited into my checking account tonight.

I guess these liver guys pay before you donate your liver. Weird but I'm not going to refuse it.

Just let me know how much you need after I donate my kidneys.

Love
Vone
_______________________________________________________
It is kidneys that get messed up when you drink too much, right? Or is it the liver? I'm pretty sure you can donate your liver, I saw an infomercial about it I think. I forget.

hootowl20006s@aol.com
toyowza@yahoo.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:10 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

Alright...but please i want you to try your possible best to look for the $2000 USD so that i can come back home once am back home i will refund the money back to you and i will even add addition $500 USD to the money that will just be for showing appreciation for help rendered..So please do get back to me as soon as possible
_______________________________________________________
I'm getting an impatient vibe from Susan's email. I'm starting to find her extremely ungrateful, especially after the week I've had, with my brother dying, having to foot the funeral bill and everything. You'd think she'd be a little happener that a stranger wants to help her.

hootowl20006s@aol.com
toyowza@yahoo.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:13 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

Yes $2000 USD will definitely be enough. so please go ahead and send it.
_______________________________________________________
Well, that's a little bit more like it.

Y Shinythings <yowza@yahoo.com>
tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 6:44 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com

Oh. My. Goodness Susan! You won't BELIEVE what just happened!! I got home from work and was sitting down to the computer to send you the money with that moneygram thingie, when I saw that I had received what can only be described as a MIRACULOUS EMAIL. It looks like God's been at work in our lives again girl! I just got an email from Sgt. Brown telling me HE'S GIVING ME $8M USD!!!

Can you believe our luck!!! I have to send him the $2,000 I had planned on sending you, but OMG he's going to send me $8,000,000!!! That's eight MILLION DOLLARS, SUSAN!!! Forget about two thousand dollars! I can send you two MILLION dollars!!! Oh, it's REALLY important that you not tell anyone about this, okay? It's our little secret, and besides, Sgt. Brown asked me to keep it a secret so he's safe. It sounds really dangerous over there, doesn't it??

I tell you Susan, this week has been a complete emotional rollercoster. I meet you over the internet, get a bonus at work and came so close to sending it to you, but then my brother got hit by that delivery truck and died. Then I had to use that money to bury him and sign up to donate my liver so I could get more money (good thing I have two!) and once again almost sent that money and NOW THIS!!! You are my lucky charm Susan!!! We're going to be best friends forever, right??

I'll email you THE MINUTE I get the $8,000,000, so you can be ready for your $2,000,000!!!

Woohooo!!!!!
Vonne

_______________________________________________________
This should make Susan VERY happen. Very happen indeed.

Y Shinythings <yowza@yahoo.com>
tohootowl20006s@aol.com
dateWed, Feb 16, 2011 at 8:21 PM
subjectRe: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-bygmail.com
hide details 8:21 PM (11 minutes ago)

Susan,
 You aren't going to believe this, I can hardly believe it myself! I was telling my mom on the phone about the $8,000,000 and she told me, now get ready, THAT IT'S NOT TRUE! I'm serious Susan, I'm not holding out on you. I wouldn't take $8,000,000 USD and not give you a share. My mom said don't send that guy any money. She said you were ok, though, so that's nice. I was going to send the $2,000 tonight on the computer. Are you still awake over there to go get it? I forget what time it is in London.

Get ready for your money, honey!!!
_______________________________________________________
So, it's been like, 14 minutes and I still haven't heard from Susan. I hope she's not out celebrating around the oil drum fire with all the other homeless peoples of London, Scotland. Given what my mother just told me, that would be very premature.

I Have A New Best Friend And Her Name Is Susan. And She Needs Money.

(So I was just sitting at home last week and I got this urgent email. I think it's for realsies):

*****Emerg​ency Help Needed****​* Susan MacKenzie

from Susan MacKenzie  <hootowl20006s@aol.com>
to
date Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 12:22 PM
subject*****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com
signed-by gmail.com

I'm sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it's because of the situation of things right now.

I'm stuck in Scotland with family right now, we came down here on family vacation, we were robbed, worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and our cell phone were stolen at GUN POINT,and it's hard to get hold of a phone here in Edinburgh it's such a crazy experience for us, we need help flying back home, the authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is we still have our passport but don't have enough money to get our flight ticket back home, please i need you to loan us some money.

All we need is $2,500.00 but anything you can spare right now will be appreciated and I promise to refund it to you as soon as I arrive back home safely.. You have my word!!

Thanks
Susan MacKenzie
_______________________________________________________
(I felt the need to reply):

from Shinythings <ywjujub@yahoo.com>
to Susan MacKenzie <hootowl20006s@aol.com>
date Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 9:29 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com

Absolutely Susan! OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you! Dirty foreigners, this is why you should stay in the good ol' USA. I only have $1,050, hopefully you sent this to James and he can cover the rest. How do I get it to you? Do you have a safe place to stay?

Hugs,
Vonda
_______________________________________________________
(To Susan's credit, she responded IMMEDIATELY with the deets. This new best friend doesn't mess around):

mailto:fromhootowl20006s@aol.com
mailto:to%20ywjujub@yahoo.com
date Thu, Feb 10, 2011 at 4:32 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** WESTERN UNION DETAILS
mailed-by aol.com

Alright I'm glad you are willing to help, you can get the money to me here via Western union outlet around you,all you need is my name as it is in my international passport and the name of the country we are now to make the transfer,so below are the information you may need:

Name - Susan MacKenzie
Address: 50 Barnes Street London, England W1T 3NG
Country, United Kingdom.
Amount:?

I still have my passport so I can use it as identification, e-mail me the transfer details and the confirmation number include the amount sent.

Let me know as soon as you are heading out to the Western union.

Regards
Susan
_______________________________________________________
(I was SO glad to see she was able to make it to London. That poor thing probably had to swim the entire way with her baby strapped to her head.. But life got in the way of my correspondence with Susan, and a couple of days later I got this email. She still needs my help):

mailto:fromhootowl20006s@aol.com
mailto:mailywjujub@yahoo.com
date Fri, Feb 11, 2011 at 6:41 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

I am still waiting for your reply..pease
_______________________________________________________
(*sniff*. Did you see that? Did you see that heartbreaking "pease" at the end of her pathetically short email? She's probably weak from malnutrition, lying by the side of the road in Scotland where she and her family were waylaid by thugs. London.)

from Shinythings <ywjujub@yahoo.com>
mailto:tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Fri, Feb 11, 2011 at 10:28 PM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com

Hi Susan!

I'm sorry I couldn't get back earlier, my brother was hit by a large delivery truck and I've spent the past 2 days in the hospital. We still don't know if he's going to make it, keep your fingers crossed!

About the West Union thing, we don't have one of those in my town and I don't even know where the nearest one is but I absolutely want to help you, no question there! Since we don't have one of those West Union places, I called my bank to see how I could help you. They said you can give me your checking account number and the routing number and my bank can automatically transfer the money from my checking account to yours. Just send me the info and I can have the money to you by tomorrow. Oh, and guess what?? I got a bonus at work today, so now I have the whole $2,500 to send to you!!!! This must be some kind of God thing, right?

Stay safe!
Vonda
_______________________________________________________
(Susan responded with this heartfelt letter of sympathy for my comatose brother, as well as helpful advice as to how I could get her the money):

fromhootowl20006s@aol.com
mailto:toywjujub@yahoo.com
date Sat, Feb 12, 2011 at 5:51 AM
subject Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by aol.com

Thanks and God bless once again and I'm very sorry to hear from you about your brother's status. i believe by his stripes he his heal and i want you to be rest assured and have faith in him who has sent us to life.

I would be happy if you were able to send the money by latest Monday afternoon cos we have booked flight home and now depending on you for now but i am still waiting to hear from Dan but maybe he still figuring our something is another problem right now. like i have mentioned earlier that cell phones and other valuables were taken from us and i do not have any other mean sending you my bank details. the very best you can do is via Western Union or any Money Gram outlet around you. you can even ask from your bank about wiring the Money via Western Union if available from them.

The remaining of the family sends greeting to you and your sick brother.

Regards
Susan
_______________________________________________________
(The REMAINING of her family sends their greetings??? OMG she probably has had to sell her children one by one just to make ends meet. Or maybe a Werewolf got them because they're sleeping in the fields and I hear London is lousy with Werewolves. It's sad to see how lack of proper nutrition is causing Susan to lose the ability to speak English properly.):

from Shinythings <ywjujub@yahoo.com>
 tohootowl20006s@aol.com
date Sun, Feb 13, 2011 at 1:04 PM
subject Re: Re: *****Emergency Help Needed***** Susan MacKenzie
mailed-by gmail.com
hide details 1:04 PM (40 minutes ago)

SUSAN!!!!!! OMG my brother DIED last night!!!!! I can't believe it!! This is the worst thing ever, I'm so glad I have your friendship! It's like God put you in my life just for this.

Ok, wow. His name was Herbert and he was 51. He had always lived with our parents because he was too slow to live alone. He lived in their basement and made models of WWII airplanes and he loved watching birds have sex. Kinda weird I know, but like I said he was slow and I don't think you'll judge him, right?

So ANYHOW, I have to pay for his funeral cuz my parents don't have enough money because Herbert was always stealing from them and one time he sold their t.v. so my parents made him do little shows to entertain them every night for a month until my dad could make enough money to buy a new t.v.

Burying him is real expensive, like $3,000. Or I could have him cremated and that's only about $500. If I have him buried, I won't have any money to send to you, but if I have him cremated I could still send you $2,000.

What should I do Susan??? The funeral home needs an answer this week, cuz they can't just have him laying around there, he'll start to smell. PEASE tell me what I should do, you're my best friend right now and I have total belief in you!

Love
Vonda
_______________________________________________________
(I sent that this morning. Hopefully Susan will have some good advice for me. I'll keep you updated.)

Cross-Dressing Stalker Or Paleontologist? You Tell Me.

My son Zach has been exhibiting some disturbing behaviors ever since...well, ever since he could touch his nipples on purpose. He is also probably one of the smartest and most imaginative kids I've ever met. Yes, besides YOU Julia. That's him in my header photo, dressed in his Spiderman Viper costume at his sister's tumbling class. Zach wants to be a Paleontologist, but I believe it's equally possible that he may end up as a cross-dressing stalker. Let's see what the data tells us.

Cross-Dressing Stalker Tendencies:
1. He has a history of wandering the house dressed in his sister's high heels, wigs, necklaces and lipgloss.

2. He regularly asks me if he's "pretty".

3. He has written of his stalkerish tendencies in school:
"I lurk in the bushes."

4. This week I purchased, at the local thrift store, a set of vintage brass finger cymbals. I got them for Zach because his sister bought a cellphone and I wanted to have something shiny and noisy to distract him from his jealousy. Two nights ago my son walked up to me wearing just his pajama bottoms. And the finger cymbals. One over each nipple. Then he said "Do I look pretty??"

5. He declined hot chocolate last weekend. His reasoning? "I can't, because I need to keep my body beautiful, just like it is now." No amount of cajoling would sway him. My 7-year-old son needs to have a beautiful body.

Paleontologist Tendencies:
1. He has been absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs for the past year. He draws pictures of them, even:


2. He loves to read books about dinosaurs. Here is one of his favorites:
Are these massive and extinct creatures of yore hunting/fleeing for their very survival? Or are they simply playing a friendly game of "Allosaurus, Allosaurus, Oviraptor"? You tell me.



3. He has a couple of dinosaur toys:


4. He loves to dig things up. When he was 3-years-old and in preschool, he found a metal spoon during outside play time. His teachers told me that everyday, when it was time to go inside, Zach would hide the spoon under a brick, behind a bush. Then he would go get it the next day. Everyone saw him hiding it, but none of his friends ever bothered it. Until the day he dug THESE up:


I made that last part up. Those are pictures of cow bones I found on ebay.

If You're Looking For Funny, Go Somewhere Else. Seriously.

This isn't going to be a funny post, or even a serious post with any humor in it. I've had a hell of a weekend, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed, stressed and depressed and that's what I'm going to blog about. So if you don't want to read a depressing post written by an overwhelmed mom, go here , or here.

Let me start out by saying I have ADHD. I am not simply distractible, or inattentive. I. HAVE. ADHD. And it's hardcore. It affects every aspect of my life, and I pretty much feel like a loser most of the time because of it. I have terrible social skills and I am absolutely not able to be anywhere, on time, ever. I've tried. I've used numerous alarm clocks, set my phone to warn me when I had to leave for an appointment, asked friends, made lists with absolute time limits for each activity and so on. Sometimes things work out and I have a day where I'm everywhere I should be on time. Can I just tell you that what you take for granted makes me feel like the f*cking queen of the world??? I walk with my head higher, I feel competent. THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT EVERYWHERE ON TIME. I AM AN ADULT, I think proudly. Then, a day or two later, I'm back to my usual self. F*CK.

 Somehow, something always comes up. Things take more time than I think they will, or should. Everyone I know teases me about it, it's become a joke.  And I laugh because it's built into me that I should laugh even though I'm the butt of the joke, because God forbid I should hurt anyone else's feelings. But it's not funny. How would you feel if you had a weight problem, or terrible acne or argued a lot with your significant other or any other thing that people think should be cured by JUST A LITTLE F*CKING SELF DISCIPLINE  AND SELF CONTROL?? Would you laugh if people joked about your eating disorder? Or how you just never seemed to be able to clear up your pimply face. Or your short temper. You might feel ashamed, or angry, or self-loathing or any number of things. Well, that's how I feel.

At work yesterday, I had to sign a paper saying I would be everywhere on time for three months. I could tell my boss felt bad about it, but do you know what ran through my mind when I signed that paper? I'll tell you what. I'M GOING TO FAIL. Over and over, that's all I could think. And I CAN'T fail because I'm a single mom with two kids who count on me to keep them fed, clothed and housed and an ex-husband that hasn't paid one dime in court mandated child support, EVER. That's 90 days of at least 5 appointments a day, 5 days a week. That's 300 times I have to do something perfectly, in a row. Try telling yourself that you won't get a pimple for 90 days. Or that you won't gain ONE POUND for 90 days. Or that you wouldn't argue with your spouse for 90 days. And if you do, you're one step closer to losing YOUR F*CKING JOB. Just let that simmer.

 I also have to do some other stuff that's completely overwhelming, like bill a certain number of clients a week. 33 to be exact. And I drive to every appointment. But that's not including driving time. Or paperwork time. Or lunchtime. Not that I ever take a lunch. Or meetings. So I was at work until 8:30 last night, and until 10pm last Friday. Then I came home and wanted to cry but didn't. Instead I visited my friends Steamme and Tara at their awesome blogs. Because Tara seems to be going through some shit too, so I can really relate to her. And seriously, Steamme and The Bloggess make me laugh and forget. Then I put my dinner in the fridge because I had no appetite and went to bed. Then I woke up at 5:30 tonight, an entire evening and day shot, but because it's also built into me to find the silver lining I laid there and thought, well, you know you've gained 20 lbs in the past month and  you probably lost some weight since I didn't eat all day and just think of the money you saved by not turning the heat up all day.  Then my kids came home from their dad's and know what? I'm going to have my salad and a glass of wine and cuddle with my kids because that's what I need to feel better now. That, and writing this.

Maybe I'll be funny next time. Or maybe not. But I will always be real.

Aunt Judy, The Muppets And F*ck

If you've read this post, then you know that my Aunt Judy was a very religious woman with a strong moral code. No peeing in front of boys, no sassing back and especially...NO SWEARING. If Aunt Judy caught us sassing her or saying a bad word, she'd squirt dishsoap in our mouths. Well, she always threatened to do this, but never actually did. Until that fateful day when Jennifer and I learned the word f*ck from Sesame Street.

Ok, we didn't actually hear the muppets say the eff word, but they gave us the means by which to discover it, and to a 3 and 5-year-old, the responsibility for what happened after that lay squarely upon the shoulders of Redheaded Green Muppet Girl and Purple Brunette Muppet Boy.

Jennifer and I had just finished breakfast and were recovering from Aunt Judy's after-meal ritual. The after-meal ritual consisted of Aunt Judy standing us up on the swiveling black pleather kitchen chairs and sort of dusting our faces with a nasty, scratchy wet washrag that was at least 4 days old. Then she would get her vacuum with the hose attachment (we're still standing on the swivel chairs, remember) and suck up any crumbs that may have been hiding in our cracks or crevices. Jennifer and I hated and feared the after-meal ritual and we soon learned which meals were more crumb inducing and we came to hate them. Grilled cheese, rice, poptarts, cereal and toast, to name a few, were foods we merely picked at when they were presented to us.

But I digress.

So, Jennifer and I were watching Sesame Street in her playroom, just like we did every morning. Just as I had finished wrapping my head in a brown towel and securing it with one of my Uncle Ray's ties, in order to complete my "Jesus' mom, Mary" ensemble, our favorite part of Sesame Street came on. We turned our heads in unison toward the beginning bars of a familiar song. The Word Family song:




he Word Family song was an educational part of the program, in which one muppet held a sign with the ending of the words, such as "op", "et", "ing" or "all", just to name a few. The other muppet would hold a sign with a differently colored letter that changed throughout the song, such as "m", "b", "s" or "f". Then they would sing a song about how changing the first letter of a word changed the entire word.

That day's ending was "uck".


I continued my daily ritual of dressing up like Mary, and had just found the large stick I'd found in the yard and hidden in the playroom the day before, to use as my staff. I was half-listening to the Word Family song and following along in my head, but Jennifer was enthralled. The word family song only lasted a couple of minutes, but the resulting aftershock would be be burned into my psyche forever.

In the background I heard Sesame Street come to an end, but Jennifer continued to sing the Word Family song, experimenting with different and varied words, rolling them around in her mouth like gumballs filled with danger.

"You take a b that's buh, and a u-c-k, uck. You put em all together and they spell buck!"

As I was adjusting my rope belt and tying my Jesus sandals, I found myself humming along with Jennifer and admiring her gift at coming up with words the Muppets hadn't thought of.

Jennifer and I kept playing the word family game back and forth, and we made up some crazy words, let me tell you. Ruck, Nuck, Huck and so on. Then, it was Jennifer's turn again.

"You take an f that's fuh, and a u-c-k, uck. You put em all together and they spell f*ck!"

We stared at each other, wide-eyed. Somewhere in the deepest recesses of our young minds, we recalled having heard this word being tossed around the trailer court. Never from our own parents, though.

Jennifer: "F*ck!"

Me: *giggling*

Jennifer: "What do you think it means?"

Me: "What do I think what means?"

Jennifer: "What do you think F*CK means?"

*we fall over laughing*

Me: "You said f*ck!"

Jennifer: "I'm gonna ask my mom what it means."

And with that, she turned to leave the playroom.

Me: "NO! You can't! What if it's bad?"

Jennifer: "Well, I want to know, so I'm gonna ask her."

She took off down the hallway, to the kitchen where Aunt Judy was scrubbing something.

I tried to stop her, but she was determined. I begged and pleaded but it was no use. This is how I remember that morning:


It was very dramatic. Anyhow, what happened next was to test the limits of my childhood sanity.

Jennifer: "Mom?"

Aunt Judy: "What?! You can see I'm scrubbing something, can't you? Can't this wait?"

Jennifer: "What does f*ck mean?"

Wait for it........wait for it..........

AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! Screamed Aunt Judy.

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Screamed we in return. I may have peed a little.

Then Aunt Judy dropped her scouring pad and reached for something, anything, with which to chase us with. It was a bottle of Joy dishwashing liquid.

And we were off.

She chased us into the living room and I dove behind a large orange recliner/rocker. I curled my body into the smallest shape that I could and clamped my mouth tightly shut while still trying to scream, "I didn't say it! Jennifer did! Go after her, not me! She's the bad one!!!"

Only it sounded like this, "Mfd dnt srhs ahh!! Mcchhhefr md!!! Co frt r hsr md!!!!"

Suddenly, Aunt Judy changed her attack. Ignoring me, she turned swiftly and saw Jennifer scrambling for cover behind the console television. Ha! She pounced and in one smooth move held Jennifer's nose shut and squirted dish soap into her mouth when she opened it for air.

I stayed put, I wasn't sure this was over yet.

Aunt Judy stood up wearily and went back to the kitchen with her bottle of soap, leaving me behind the rocker. I stayed there the rest of the morning, just in case.

Later that afternoon, after we had been vaccuumed and dusted, I asked Jennifer what the soap had tasted like. She made a face, "ewww! Yucky! Why?"

Well duh.  Because if it hadn't tasted too bad I was planning on saying f*ck tomorrow. That was so much fun!!

Dear Diary: Memoirs Of A 9-Year-Old Me. REDUX.

So I'm currently working on a new post about Aunt Judy and the time she chased Jennifer and me around the living room because Jennifer asked her what f*ck meant and then Aunt Judy screamed a little and asked Jennifer where she learned that and Jennifer said "Sesame Street", but it's taking a while so I decided to post some entries from the diary my mom got me when I was 9. I know it's from when I was 9 because the front page reads:

THE PROPERTY OF
*Name Redacted*
9 years old

Let's take a look at what was going on in my life back then, shall we? All entries are transcribed verbatim, including the colors of the ink.

January 3 MONDaY
"I went to school today again, had pizza today at home for supper. The teacher gave Artie and me a present she already gave the others theirs owers were late beacause we we absent it was two pencils one pencil had on of those erasors that you put on your pencil and a green and white striped candy cane.

Apparently my obsession with grammar came in my later years.

January 4 TUESDaY
The water came on again today. had home work. It was English. Ordered more books today again. wernt enough to send in there has to be at least 15 books. Dad went to go get his tire filled with air. Again.

No water? WTF parents?

January 11 TUESDaY
Day after tomorrow were going to bake bread and write a report about it.

*yawn* Really?

January 12 WEDNESDaY
Tomorrow were going to make bread I brought a bowl.

Didn't we do this yesterday?

January 13 THURSDaY
Didn't get to bake bread today but we did get to go home early. it snowed alot. The drifts were huge. it was fun me and Kristine slid on my slide in the drifts and I swung on my swing into the drifts. They came up to my knees.

No shit!

January 20 ThuRsDay
We got out early and Dayna let Shelli and Kristine in I got in trouble for not writing a note to tell where I was I can't play for a week and I hade to go to bed until futher notice.

"Until further notice."  I was apparently raised in a very formal environment. And yes, I'm completely aware that I split my infinitive. Fuck you.

February 4 FRIDaY
Today we went to Gramaw's we were playing blind-man bluff and I fell of the bed against the wall and broke my tow and it swolled dad may tape it up so I cant wear my boots.

Here, you can see my trailer park roots showing.

February 6 SUNDaY
Today we went shopping I just wore my footies. I got to ride in a wheel chair. mom pushed me.

I totally remember this. I pretended I was dying of some incurable illness and tried to look sad a lot.

February 21 MOnDaY
Tomorow is the spelling bee im not in it but i am anxush to see who wins. Nancy Nullmyre and Greta Sellmen are the people that won in our class. One of the prizes is some Dichanarys.

now THAT'S ironic.

February 28 MONDaY
Today mom had to practicly drag me out of bed. I didn't want to go to school. At least I'm glad I'm not the only one that has to go throught collage and have more sickning years of school. but I suppose its for our own good.

Was I seriously brown-nosing my diary?

March 8 TEUSDaY
Today we watched a thing about russia. I saw them making caviear first they cut the fish open then they take out the fishes eggs and drain them then they salt them and mix them and put them in cans. they sell it at $100 a pound.

No wonder I didn't have friends in grade school. I was SOOOOOO boring.

March 16 WEDNESDaY
Today we went skating im glad shelli harper coldn't come with us she is just like her last name she harps at us! ha! ha! She bosses us around.

Seriously. What 9 year old uses the word "harps" on a semi-regular basis?

March 21  Monday
I went schating with Kristine's mom. I was snowing pretty hard when we cam out. when we got in the car I dicoverd I left my 3 mushateers and my sweet tarts at washington skateland, thats where we went sckating.

AH. MAH. GAH. This? THIS??? LOOOOOSSSSEEERRRRRRR.......

April 13 Wednesday
Aunt Jowellen is pregnet they bought a gas staiton.

Fyi, my cousin was born the following month. I noticed missing candy and the eviceration of random fish, but was apparently oblivious to my aunt's GINORMOUS tummy.

April 26 Sunday
NOTHING HAPPENED

April 29 Wednesday
NOTHING HAPPENED

May 9 Saturday
found a nest kristine dropped the nest acsidently. + broke the egg.

See how I put that last part in red? I remember doing this, just in case I was accused of breaking the egg, I would be able to point to my diary and say, "NO! SEE? Kristine did it!"
May 14
didnt go shopping today.

May 15
Went shopping today.

May 16-July 3
XXXXXXXXX

July 4
Dear Diary,
TODAY IS THe 4th OF JULY. We went Down to St. Louis and went on the ROBeRT E. Lee and ate LuncH. Mom + DAD HAD OYSTeR Soup WHen we went TO THe TOP of THe aRCH MOM HAD TO GO TO THe BATHROOM! And we coulDnt GO BACK UP! and THen THAT NIGHT We went TO THe ARCH FIREwoks unDeR THe ARCH.

P.S. TODAY BRIEN AND I CELEBRATED UP IN THE BEDROOM.

Ok, I was totally fronting here. I was 9 and had no real idea what went on in a bedroom because my mom didn't tell me until I was 11 and then she drew pictures of a penis and a vagina and labeled them "a" and "b".  But I DID go to summer camp and heard just enough to know that the bedroom was where special stuff happened. Know what Brien(sp?) and I did whenever my dad took me over to his house? We played G.I. Joe's.

But it is interesting to see the progression of my interests wind from scholastic endeavors to boys. Let's see what happens next...

August 5
Today is my birthday I got a ring, two books, a poncho, a shirt, pants, a doll, another ring, two games and some doll clothes and doll wigs and doll toys.

Not exactly sure what a "doll wig" is. Anyone? But? THAT PONCHO FREAKING ROCKED!!!

August 8
David Michel broke up with Me. And hes in love with Stefenie Voight he even kissed her alot. he didnt say he was braking up with me but I new cause he didnt pay attation to me and he used to. he even called me weird. I was sad. Of course he didnt say he loved me but I new.

Asshole.

August 9
Today I found out that david Michel loves Stephanie Voight but she dont love him and David loves Jonie Rioa and she loves him. It makes me sad + mad.

Feeling words. A future counselor in the making, here.

August10
Today in the pool I was squirting david with hose just playing and he told on me. he said I didn't know how to go under water and I do. In front of everybody he said that.

Bastard.

September 17
Kristine's birthday!

October 12
Today is mom's birthday.

November 3
Today is Dad's birthday.

December 25 Christmas
Dear Diary, today is the big day! I cant wait mom said I could look in my stocking until she got up. I got perfum and a watch and a vase and bowl (a Holly Hobby pitcher and bowl)

and a camara

and a sled and some clothes and wash stuff magic etch a scetch. and a donkey my aunt Kathleen made me. (it was actually a zebra made out of striped tube socks and I still have it).

Sorry. I googled a picture of "tube sock zebra" and this is what I got.

Deal.

FYI, Pier 1 Doesn't Negotiate Employee Discounts

> ---- Original Message ----
> From : yowzers@hotmail.com
> To : customerservice@pier1.com
> Subject : Other -  [RQID:EP597910]
> Date : Sat, 30 Oct 2010 17:24:48 GMT
> Email: yowzers@hotmail.com
> Comment Type: Other
 Comments:

Dear Pier One,
Thank you for the time you took to send me the email that states you are currently looking for holiday  employees. I really love your stuff and an employee discount would be great!

However, I would like to propose a counter-offer to your offer of a 25% employee discount. Because let's face it, in today's ecomomic environment, 25% off just won't cut it. So, I  would be willing to work at your fine establishment in exchange for a 70% employee discount. Now, this is just a jumping off point, don't hesitate to counter my counter-offer.

I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Vonna

Reply Forward

                                                                                                         
From customerservice@pier1.com
To: yowzers@hotmail.com

date Sat, Oct 30, 2010 at 2:28 PM
subjectRE: From Pier 1 Imports [RQID:EP597910]
mailed-bypier1.com
hide details 10/30/10

We appreciate your feedback. Your information has been received by Pier 1 Import’s Customer Relations Department. If further action on our part is needed, a Customer Care Professional, or a member of our stores' management team will be in contact with you. If you have provided a general suggestion or comment, your email will be forwarded to the appropriate department.

Have you checked out our FAQ page? The answers to some of the most commonly asked questions about our products and company can be found at: http://www.pier1.com/SideMenu/CustomerRelations/FrequentlyAskedQuestions/tabid/110/Default.aspx
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 Important - If you reply to this message, please do not change the request code in the subject line.

Notice: This email is intended only for the addressee(s) named above. If you are not an intended addressee, please do not disclose the contents of this email to others; also please reply to sender immediately indicating that you received this email in error, then delete it. Publication or posting of this email is strictly prohibited, unless authorized by sender. Thank you for your cooperation.
 Reply Forward

                                                                                                         
> ---- Follow-up Message ----
> From : yowzers@hotmail.com
> To : customerservice@pier1.com
> Subject : Other - [RQID:EP597910]
> Date : Tues, 02 Nov 2010 12:19:51 GMT
> Email: yowzers@hotmail.com
> Comment Type: Other

Hi! Last week I received an email inviting me to apply for a job at one of your fine stores. I can't tell you how excited I was at the prospect, as I'm a single mother with two children, and Christmas is right around the corner. However, the email mentioned a 25% employee discount.

While that is a nice offer, I could easily see myself spending my entire Pier One check at your store, and then Christmas would suck for my children. Unless they have a secret love of rattan and colorful dinnerware that I am unaware of. Hence, I replied last week with a counter-offer requesting 70% off. Mind you, that was just a starting off point, I'm not adverse to negotiating.

The reason for this email is that I couldn't tell from your reply whether you are taking my counter-offer into consideration, as it was not mentioned in the body of the email. Please respond so that we can begin our mutually beneficial association soon.

As always,
I look forward to hearing from you,

Vonna


- Show quoted text -

                                                                                                         
From: customerservice@pier1.com
To: yowzers@gmail.com

Sat, Nov 02, 2010 at 3:54 PM
subject RE: From Pier 1 Imports [RQID:EP597910]
mailed-by pier1.com

hide details 11/02/10

Dear Vonna:

Thank you for your interest in seasonal employment at one of our stores. Unfortunately, we are unable to negotiate employee discounts, as 25% is the discount rate that our corporate headquarters has approved. In particular, we are unable to negotiate employee discounts for those individuals who do not even work for us. Please feel free to apply in person at your local store, or online at: https://pier1.tms.hrdepartment.com/cgibin/a/searchjobs_quick.cgi

Hopefully this correspondence has cleared up any confusion regarding employee discounts at Pier 1 Imports.

Notice: This email is intended only for the addressee(s) named above. If you are not an intended addressee, please do not disclose the contents of this email to others; also please reply to sender immediately indicating that you received this email in error, then delete it. Publication or posting of this email is strictly prohibited, unless authorized by sender. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

Mary Bolton, Manager
Customer Relations Department

                                                                                                         
> ---- Follow-up Message ----
> From : yowzers@hotmail.com
> To : customerservice@pier1.com
> Subject : Other - [RQID:EP597910]
> Date : Wed, 03 Nov 2010 18:21:03 GMT
> Email: yowzers@hotmail.com
> Comment Type: Other

Dear Mary,

Okay. 40% and that's my last offer.

Vonna